Abandoned for Him!

My blog

2010-05-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

So my blog has been acting up and I decided to branch off of my past and begin with what is going on now....
New chapter = new blog
So here we go with new adventures....
http://hannahmtodd.blogspot.com/

~Much Afraid~

2010-04-14T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to read Hinds Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. I bought it a while ago and have yet to get deeper than the first couple of pages. It's not that I dont like the book just that I have been busy.

My mom read me this book when I was younger and it has been one of my favs ever since. It's an amazing allegory that somehow always seems to touch your heart to the core. Especially if you are a woman. We can all relate to the book cause we have been there before.

It's about a girl, whose name is Much Afraid, who learns how to trust the Shepherd and how to love and have her heart torn out and replaced with His.

There is so much in this book I can relate too. Especially how Much Afraid always seems to have what ifs.

"What if He doesnt love me? What if I am too ugly? What if I am not enough? What if HE goes back on His word? What if I am rejected?"

So many what ifs from Much Afraid and yet I completely understand where she is coming from.

Right now I am really struggling with fear. I feel as if it is one of my main companions that I cant seem to get rid of! I really struggle with seeing the heart of God in some things. Because of my past heartbreak I am afraid of the present state of my relationship. I am afraid that God is going to take this away to teach me something or that something bad will happen. In the back of my head I know this isn't true and that God has only the best for me, but it's hard to make myself believe that sometimes.

I understand the doubt and fear that Much Afraid has towards the Shepherd, but I also understand her longing to love Him with everything in her and the want to trust. The want for her heart to be replaced with His.

That is my heart and longing as well.

This is def a process that God and I are working through.
Trust is NEVER easy, but worth it in the end.

My I be like Much Afraid in the end of the book. With a heart that is now beating and in sync with His.

~H~

Someday My Prince Will Come.....

2010-04-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

That title is so true. I always hoped it would happen....just never knew it would be so soon!

A lot has happened since the last post. We made it official, started dating for real, felt like God was pointing us in the direction of marriage, fasted and prayed about it, talked to both sets of parents, visited my parents, talked to them about premarital counseling, got engaged March 17th and are now getting married August 7th of this year. This is all from my post in February! God works fast hey?

*Oh and he did ask my dad's permission after we left Georgia for anyone who was wondering.

So I am engaged and getting married this year!!!! How exciting! It's all very surreal and hasnt really hit me I think. I am so excited and overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and blessing in my life. I never thought I would get someone as amazing as Nathan. Honestly after the last break up I was pretty much convinced I would be living in the wilds of Africa by myself forever! HAHAHA. Drastic I know but it's what I thought. Good doesn't even begin to describe God. Faithful, loving, surprising and so much more really.

Wedding planning has been a bit stressful up until lately. We are working in steps now which was Nathan's idea and has def. cut down on the stress for me. I have found in this process that I am a giant people pleaser so we are working on that! As of now we have the place, my dress, we know our wedding party, we are working on finding someone to marry us, we are in premarital counseling, and thats it so far.

I will def be working on my Knot website so I can put the story of our engagement for people to read.

Nathan and I are not too sure of God's next step for us as of right now. Right now we feel like we are in a time of preparation. Preparation for marriage and life together and then for the next step. I know we only want to stay in Colorado til Nathan is able to transfer to another Lowes. We would like to move somewhere warm for a bit. San Diego and Seattle are an option, but we are still praying. We will be in Colorado til at least next February. Not too excited about that cause I am super tired of being cold!!!!

Be praying for this time, that God will be preparing us for marriage and our exciting adventure together!

~H~

Life Update

2010-02-03T01:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't been on here in a while but wanted to do a life update real fast cause I am tired and ready for bed.

I have moved out of the place I was staying. I am currently staying with a couple (I work with the wife) in Monument. They are awesome and it's been good so far.

I am dating an amazing guy who is so good to me. We aren't official yet, but it's all good. God is very much apart of this so it's been awesome so far.

YWAM.....not too sure yet. Still praying through it. Have not gotten a yes or no from God. I am still planning on going as of now, but am in prayer about it so we shall see what God says.

Still working at the coffee shop and love it.

Have an amazing best friend Carley. I practically live at her house lol.

That's pretty much it as of now. I will write more later

~H~

Romance Me

2010-01-22T01:04:00.001-08:00

God is showing me what a presence romance is in my life, how He wants to romance me, and how hard I am to be romanced.

I have no clue why I am so hard to be romanced. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it?

I guess in my relationship with God I have never seen Him as a father figure but more or less a boyfriend. He has been that romantic best friend to me. That is how I view Him.

Now don't get me wrong. I love romance. Movies with old romance thrill my heart. And I am not talking about that crap that is romance today. But the old kind. Like Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Anne of Green Gables and so on. Nothing that has to do with sex but everything with love and desire to be with that person no matter what the cost. I love old romance the best. It's so much more pure than the romance of today.

I think this is what God is showing me. He wants to be the old romance for me. He wants to be with me no matter what the cost and desires me in a way I will never understand. He wants the best for me in everything. He wants to speak tenderly to my heart and to woe me.

He is also wanting me to be romanced in life. Its weird and hard cause I am hard to romance sometimes but it's what He wants me to experience.

I love the way He desires me and my heart. How He wants to weave His heart into mine. I want to be so interwoven into Him that I can't ever survive without His heart in me.

I love His heart. I love His heart for me. I love His heart for people

I love my God and I love being romanced by Him

I couldn't sleep so these are just somethings that came to mind

~H~

Word

2010-01-20T21:14:00.000-08:00

When I was 16 we had some people pray over us as a family. Below are the words they got from God for me. It did not apply to me then but now I can see it in so many ways in my life. It's amazing.
I read it for the first time in a couple of years, tonight and just started crying. It's amazing to see what was spoken then and is reality now

God is amazing.

PROPHETIC WORD
When you walked in I felt like the hand of God is really strong on you. I believe that your heart is really to know God, that you would like to know God even more - just to follow Him. You may not be able to define what that looks like, how to do it, but that's your heart. You really want to know God. I believe that the Lord has really given you an ability to lead others. You are a leader - when a group of kids are standing around - you're not on the edge - they're all kinda standing around you. I believe that's the favor of the Lord on you. God's gonna use that - as you seek His face and as you say "I'm gonna choose to follow Jesus and I'm gonna choose to know Jesus," God is going to put you in positions and places where you will be able to draw others into the kingdom and that's gonna be alot of fun. You can be at a point in your life right now where that doesn't mean alot or it means something, but I really see that on you. I see just the strong hand of God on you, just the calling of God on your life and I really want to encourage you- being a Christian isn't weird or boring....when you get in on what God's doing - it's gonna be intense - because God has a strong calling on your life - so I just want to bless that.

~H~

Abandoning All I Am For You To Capture Me Again

2010-01-13T21:39:00.001-08:00

The other day I was having kind of a blah day and was just relaxing (and singing at the top of my lungs so loud and excitedly that the man driving next to me looked at me funny) to some worship music while driving home.

I was listening to the Hillsong United song Always. There is a line in the song that says "Can I feel you in the rain? Abandon all I am to have you capture me again?"

I just started bawling (again man looked at me funny) and heard the voice of God speak to my heart.

He said, "Hannah do you remember how many times at church, when they were playing this song, you asked for it to be your prayer to me? How you wanted to abandon everything to have me capture your heart? That's what we are doing now. We are ripping out everything you know about yourself and felt about yourself. We are ripping out everything you know and are familiar with. This is why it is hard right now. I am recapturing you. Refining you. Restoring you. Hannah all this is happening cause I am recapturing your heart and you are learning what it truly is to abandon yourself to me."

WOW

All the pain and heartache has had a purpose. He is refining me and preparing me. He is reshaping my heart and the way I see life. I am learning to look at the world through His eyes.

My Beloved is romancing me

Showing me Himself in new light

Expressing His heart to me.

Knitting my heart with His

I am my Beloveds and He is mine

~H~

Let the Songs I Sing Bring Joy to You

2009-12-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

One thing I have discovered, as I have thought over my life in Colorado so far, is that I have never met so many people who have told me I cannot do what I want in life!

I mean I know that I am not persecuted in the most extreme way others are but I kinda feel like I am a bit.

So many people in Colorado have told me "no you cant do that, you are making a mistake, you shouldn't do missions, that's wrong, you should go to college, you won't make a difference" etc.

Who made them God? How do they know what God has said? Just because I am young does not mean God does not talk to me. He has spoken to me my whole life. King David was anointed at 13. King Josiah was crowned king at 8. Timothy was a young man (I dont know how old he was) who helped Paul with the early church. Queen Esther was 14 when she became queen and saved God's people. Mary was around the age of 14 when she was pregnant with Jesus. All of these people were young and God used and spoke to them in amazing ways!

I have never had more people try to discourage me from doing what I have been called to do in my life!

Just because they are older does not mean that these people know best. I may never have a ton of money but I am ok with that! God gives me enough to cover my needs. I am always taken care of!

God has called me to show His love to the nations and I am more than ok with that. People should be too!

What better job to have than to be used for God! To travel the world proclaiming His love to the world.

I would rather do that then have a million dollars, my own house, and an amazing career!

It is kinda encouraging though cause to have so much opposition means I am a threat and going to be used in amazing ways!

~H~

Hold Me Up O God Cause I Feel So Weak

2009-12-29T22:13:00.000-08:00

I feel so weak. Like I am at the end of my rope. The thread I am hanging on is God. He is the only thing keeping me up. He is showing me that I am stronger with Him then alone. I never knew I had the strength to go through this. With Him I do.

I feel like life is falling apart but in the midst God is putting it together. I have been feeling so beat down for the past two weeks. Money stress and life decisions. Coming home has been amazing to be around my family, but Satan has really used this time to hit me. Things like meeting a guy who told me I will never make a difference in the world so dont even try, a family member jokingly tell me no one noticed me (which is something I have struggled with a lot growing up), feeling like a failure at life, my best friend told me she is engaged, doubt, fearing that I wont find a second job and get all the money to go back to YWAM, lack of trust in God, and found out the other day I need to find somewhere to live the first of Feb.

I feel like things are crashing down on me and I have no clue what I am going to do. The funny and amazing thing is that I am not too stressed about it. God is preparing me. My mom suggested to me that maybe God was using this time in my life to prepare me cause if I was going to be in missions I was going to have to learn to not have a lot. I think she is right on. I believe God is strengthening me in trust. He is showing me that He can do anything and for me just to watch Him. He is waiting for me to ask Him to show me.

God does not tell someone one thing just to make life miserable for another. He has me. He has a place for me to live and I don't need to worry. He has a second job for me. He has me taken care of.

No matter how much life is crashing down on me I still have God there. He lifts me up everyday. If I have to go through this time right now so that I may be stronger for future situations then ok. I am strong enough b/c I have God by my side. Life can get as crappy as anything, but I will never lose my faith or stop praising my God.

He is the foundation of my life and the reason I am surviving the world today. He has plans for me. I plan to be used for His glory. I am been reading over some words spoken over me at my DTS and one thing that was said was that I have a desire to see my generation come to Christ and was prayed release into that desire. I was also told I was annointed by God. Another word was that the hand of God was on me.

I am desperately clinging to those promises. I want to be apart of the change. I want to be apart of God's plan to restore the kingdom that was lost.

I want to be a servant for Him

~H~

Faith

2009-12-14T23:51:00.000-08:00

Tonight I watched a documentary on Doctors without Borders. I was fascinated by these people who have the courage and talent that I lack. I really wish I had the stomach and talent to be a doctor or nurse cause I would be one in a second.
As I watched this film I saw so much pain and suffering in the people of Africa. At the same time I watched the doctors start to give up hope and begin to dwindle and fade from the person they were when they first came. They lost the fire and passion.
My heart was hurting for the people. How sad is it to lose hope?

I began to notice that not one of them have referred to God. They don't seem to believe in Him. I began to see what ministry would be like if you pushed God away and refused to believe in Him. There was no hope, no passion, and so much brokenness! I know that Christians have the same thing happen to them, but at the same time they acknowledge the Creator, knowing He is the only one to walk with them through the brokenness and crap. They cling to Him cause that is the only way they can survive. He is always faithful and always whispers His love to give hope. I know that not all christians see God this way, but this is how I see Him. Maybe I should have said I....oh well.

It's just sad to see so much hopelessness when in reality there is not. God is there in the midst of the war, blood, disease, orphans, death, etc. He never leaves and is weeping for those of us who won't cry out to Him. He is crying out for us!

Those of us that know Him and don't share should not be hiding this love away and keeping it for ourselves! We need to be out there shouting it to the world, loving the fatherless, building relationship, being humble, being the lowest in the world so that He may be glorified, being servants so that His love and desire for the people of the world can flow through us out to others! This is my heart for the nation. My heart burns for the things of God. My heart breaks with what breaks the heart of the Beloved!

This whole year has been a test of my faith, trust and willingness. God has been speaking to me even in the silence. He doesn't always have to be full of words and thoughts to me. I learn even in the silence. I learn to trust and praise Him even when I can't hear or see Him. I am learning to say I am willing.

God has been putting it on my heart for a long time to go back to YWAM. I have heard the call and haven't answered. I have held myself back as well as letting what people think hold me back. I have let relationship, doubt and fear hold me back. No more! I am taking action. I have sent Holmsted Manor YWAM an email telling them I want to staff in 2010. I am taking the step.

I will still be praying through this decision as I make this change, but trusting God in all of it. I have not been accepted yet, but they have told me that they do need staff so that is hopeful! I will once again be raising money once I am accepted after the new year.

God has a plan for me and I am not satisfied with a normal life. I want an adventure, to be used by God, to love people, to bind up the brokenhearted and set the captives free. I want to have God use me to heal people. I want to pray over them. I want to do spiritual warfare over these people! I want the hold Satan has over the nations to be broken!

This is my heart

I will not be silent any longer

I will be a threat to the darkness!

I will be the least of these so that He may be glorified!

~H~

What If????

2009-12-08T00:02:00.000-08:00

I have so many what if's and doubts sometimes I dont know what to do with myself.

Right now I have such an incredible tug on my heart to go back to YWAM. It's been there a long time but there are so many what ifs that go along with it. What if I don't get the money? What if this is just me going back cause I want to and it's not God? What if I am making the wrong choice?
Then there is the whole not knowing much of the staff that are left. Can I do it? Can I go back without knowing a lot of people? Can I do all of this? What if I am not ready?

There are so many what ifs and doubts, but at the same time such an incredible passion to go!

What to think

~H~

Nothing is Going to Take YOUR Praise out of My Mouth

2009-12-03T01:07:00.000-08:00

I cant really sleep right now and am not really sure of what to write about.
The thing I keep thinking of is the words from the song "Praise the Lord" by Kristene Mueller.
There is a part that says "Nothings gonna take Your praise out of my mouth as long as I shall live."
Think about that. Nothing will take it out. No pain, no hurt, no devestation, no break ups, no death. NOTHING.

I was thinking about that the other night.

On Tuesdays I go to Revival Town at the World Prayer Center. It's a giant night of prayer and worship. As I was sitting there I was having the hardest time praising God.
I was thinking "I am too broken. I don't feel it. I don't feel whole enough. I am not in the place cause all I need right now is answers. I need to be fixed before I can praise God."
Then the words of that song came back. And I heard "Can you praise me Hannah even though life sucks? Can nothing take that from you????"
Then I heard the thing I always here ever since DTS...."Are you willing Hannah?"

I don't have to be fixed and whole to praise Him. I don't have to be ok. I should always praise Him even in the crap. Even when I don't feel like it. It's not about me getting something from God, it's about how can I be used for Him. How can He use me for His glory. It's about doing what I was created to do which is praise Him!
I can be used even in the crap. That's encouraging!
I don't have to be perfect little miss christian!

Am I willing?
Can I praise Him even when life sucks?

NOTHING will take His praise from my mouth. Even in the storm I will praise Him

~H~

So Many Questions, So Little Answers

2009-11-15T11:55:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like everyone is asking question after question and you have no idea how to answer them?
Or maybe you have questions for yourself and YOU don't know how to answer them.

That's how I feel right now. I have no idea how to answer all the questions that are coming at me. I have no clue what to do. Even the littlest questions and decisions. I have NO idea.

I can't even make decisions about when to come home for Christmas. I don't know what flight to take.

I feel like there are so many questions that I am leaving unanswered.

People keep asking asking me what is next. I wish I knew.

Right now I know that God is calling me back to YWAM. I am trying to get back to Holmsted to staff in September. That's all I know right now.

I don't know what second job to get, where I am going to live starting in January, what plane ticket to get to come home, how I am going to get back to YWAM, if all of this is going to work out.

I have no clue

I have no answers

I am so overwhelmed by all the decisions

Just some thoughts from my confused brain

~H~

One Sheep.....Two Sheep...Three Sheep....

2009-11-12T00:09:00.000-08:00

So I cant sleep hence the post before. I really should be sleeping since I have to wake up in about 5 hours to work.

There are so many thoughts in my head right now.

I know the next step for me. Back to YWAM.

I am still praying through it, but I have been feeling the tug to go back to YWAM since the beginning of the year. God has called me to missions and I have such a love for that organization.

So I am not too sure what that looks like right now cause I am still in the healing process, but I would like to go back to the base I did my YWAM at which is Holmsted Manor. I would like to go back in September of 2010.
I also have a friend who is going then too.

We will see what God does. Those are just a few thoughts about it, but I am still praying.

I am excited

~H~

An Entry From My Journal.... Nov. 11th 2009

2009-11-11T23:56:00.000-08:00

"I cant sleep.
While imagining life at Holmsted again, I have these thoughts come into my head. I hope they are from God and not me making them up. I believe they are Him.
The other night I heard this and now it's coming back.

"It's time to move the Ring Hannah."

Ever since I had that day with God after Andrew and I broke up, I have not been able to wear my ring on my left hand. I cant. I know it doesn't belong there.

"You have been redeemed, found blameless. There is no more shame
over you, Hannah. Beloved, move the ring. You have been forgiven."

I hear these thoughts and doubt they are God. At the same time why would I talk to myself this way?
I don't know if I can move the ring. I don't want this to define me and I don't want to be the victim. I want these things to be broken over me. The ties to be severed.
Can I move the ring?
Do I have the courage?
I feel shame. I feel numb to it.
I want there to be a joy when I share that part of my story. Knowing that God used the crap in my life to refine me. He used that part of my story to show me His unfailing love.

I boast all the more strongly in Him for in my weakness He is strong!

God is using me, refining me, and restoring me. In my doubts, He proves Himself.

Can I move the ring?
Can I do it as a symbol of shame being removed?
can I give this shame to Him?

In my weakness, My God is stronger.

With Him by my side anything is possible.
I will move the ring.
He covers me with love.
I am blameless.
A new creation.
Without shame.
REDEEMED!"

~H~

** Just thought I would share an entry from my journal.

I have Hope

2009-11-07T23:38:00.000-08:00

This is the verse that is getting me through all this.
I am clinging to it.

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; Therefore I will wait
for Him."
The Lord is good to those who hope is in Him,
to the one who seeks Him;
it is good to wait for the salvation of the Lord."
~Lamentations 3:19-27~

While I Am In This Desert Place Speak Tenderly To Me

2009-11-07T20:19:00.000-08:00

In Hosea it talks about how God will lead us into the desert place and speak tenderly to us.

My life is a desert place right now.

For those of you who don't know I moved all the way from Georgia to Colorado to be near my boyfriend. We had been dating long distance for 6 months and thought it was time to date in person. So I uprooted my life, packed it in the car and moved.
We had a fab relationship...minus the little tifts.

Four days ago Jake told me that God was calling him to be single

My world seemed like it was falling apart.

I have no family here, three friends in the area, no where to stay, no money. I have nothing!

He started speaking already before it had even started.
God provided a place for me to stay for a bit til I am on my feet. This lady is so amazing. Her and her family have been such an incredible blessing and I just met them 4 days ago. They feel like family!

God is faithful. Even if I am struggling with being angry with Him, with feeling abandoned by Him. He is speaking to me in everything. As the week goes on my anger slowly drifts away and the love and peace of God seep into my heart and soul.

He speaking tenderly to me. I am seeking His voice in all of this.
My heart is being awakened again to the passions He has implanted in me.

I have hope because of His great love I am not consumed!!!!!
I will not be consumed
I am His and HIs alone
I have been created to sing HIs praises to every nation
I am HIs

~H~

"Will you call me Cordelia?"

2009-08-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

The part in Anne of Green Gables where Anne asks Marilla to call her Cordelia cause she thinks her name is boring, cracks me up every time I see it. In reality, though, if you stop and dig a little deeper into that scene you see that it's all about a little girl who think no one wants her. That if she changes her name she will be loved. She thinks everything about her is plain when in all actuality many think her pretty. Funny how that is how so many girls and women feel today!

AND.....that's how I feel right now. I have been struggling to find my place here. I was talking to God the other day and I told them that ever since coming home from YWAM I feel as if I have lost my identity a bit. Who am I? Who am I in Him? I think I know that last one a bit more than the first. What makes me me????

I feel as if I dont fit in. The way I do things are so different than others. The way I was raised, where I was raised, my opinions, the way I dress, what I think....everything. I even had an older woman come into the coffee shop where I work and tell me that I was doing the wrong thing with my life by working and saving for missions and that I should go to college! Never mind what God is saying to me, everyone wants me to go and do what they think is right.

Who are they to determine my life? Did they create me? Was I created in their image???? Did their breathe bring me to life?

With everything in me I will continue to go the way GOd has shown me and seek Him in everything. Even if it doesn't go the way EVERYONE ELSE wants. My life was created for me to serve my Beloved! I want to fullfill my purpose

No finding out who I am in that purpose is a whole other adventure.

It's not easy being somewhere where you have only one person. Relying on them for a lot! But then again I guess that's how God wants us to be with Him.

I am learning so much about Him and myself in this period of life. It's hard and sometimes it sucks really bad! But I know that through the hard times God is there. Through the good He is there.

He is always with me

~H~

A Spectacular Life

2009-08-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

A spectacular life...what does that really mean? What does it entail???

Lately at the Mill, which is the college church at New Life Church, we have been diving into the book of James. It's been really interesting learning about what James is saying to the church. I think the most of what I have gotten out of it is what we talked about last night.

We have talked a lot about maturing our faith and what that looks like. Last night Aaron Stern, the pastor at the Mill, said that mature faith is an act of submission to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in our lives. By willing laying down everything at the feet of God and telling Him to be Lord of our life and not us.

Then we had a time of where we just confessed anything in our hearts that might be holding us back. It was just a time between us and God.

During that time I realized that I had been holding something back. Myself.

Back at Holmsted, when we were praying through where to go on outreach, I had been wrestling about where to go. I really felt like God was asking me if I was really willing to go wherever He sent me. I said yes and went to Poland, which was not my first pick.

Last night I realized that I had been holding my willingness back. I had not been giving God a willing heart but a "I want my way" heart. I need to be willing. It's what He has called me to do. To be willing and full of Grace. He has anointed me and I need to bring honor to His name. Not what can I get out of God to make me feel better but what can God get out of me in order to use me for His glory! To make His name known among the nations for the restoration of His kingdom.

So there is just a little of what God is showing me

~H~

'50s in July

2009-07-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

I don't think it has ever been in the '50s in the summer where I am from. Well here is def is! Last night it was forty nine degrees! Craziness? I think so.

Life has been ok so far. It's been really hard adjusting to living with a new family and learning the family dynamic. It's also super quiet here which is the COMPLETE opposite of my family.

So new family, new church, new state, new job, new house, new food (def miss my mothers cooking.) new friends, NEW EVERYTHING! It's been very overwhelming and I am trying my hardest to adjust.

On a positive side of things....the boyfriend is amazing. He has done his best to make sure I have everything I need and that I have a smooth transition. Jake is so awesome and is always there to listen and for me to cry on his shoulders when I have a particularly hard day. He is such a blessing!

My new job is going well. I only work three days this week and if training goes well Aric is going to give me 30 hours next week. I get tips as well so that is always nice. We also do most of our own baking there so I am very good at making Scones and coffee cake!

God has been very faithful in all of this. I can't do it without Him!

~H~

The Beautiful Rockies in the distance

Home in Colorado

2009-07-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

Well here I am in Co! Finally made it and it has been quite the adventure and adjustment. I have been here since the 7th of July so almost 3 weeks.

The trip was pretty smooth. No accidents, car breakage, or flat tires. we didn't have air conditioning either but it wasn't bad the first day. When we drove through Kansas, that was when it got really HOT! Another good thing was that we only had to stop 3 times for gas the whole time! My car is amazing.

Colorado has been quite the adjustment though. The altitude for one thing. It drove my sinuses CRAZY when I first got here. Not dehydration though cause I drank water like mad. I did, however, get sick with bad sinus stuff and was blowing my nose for three days and felt like poo!
It's also been an adjustment with a new EVERYTHING.

Life is good though and I am slowly getting used to life here. I have a job that I am starting on Friday. It's a little coffee shop here in Monument called Wesley Owens.

So the adventure continues

~H~

Hit with Apathy!

2009-07-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

So many emotions are running through me right now. I don't even know what to think or write really. Emotionally I feel like there is a giant storm inside of me, but at the same time a part of me feels numb. I have been floating through life this past year and a half and I think apathy has set in. How do you get rid of it? How do you ignite the passion and desire again?

God must really have some amazing things for me to do if Satan is hitting me hard right now. Apathy is one of the hardest things to get rid of I have decided. It's so overwhelming, consumes all of the get up and go attitude.

When I was fourteen, I had a prophesy spoken over me. The lady told me that the hand of God was strong in my life. On my DTS our speaker told me that, like King David in the Bible, I was anointed. One of the meanings for my name is favored by God. I must be a great threat and a huge weapon for God if apathy is such a struggle for me.

Honestly that is kinda encouraging. Especially after remembering the words spoken over me by others.

I know that God has called me into the ministry. Right now I am not sure what that looks like cause I think I am in the waiting process. Jake and I wont be going back to YWAM til 2012. I do know I am called back there. Jake and I both feel a pull to go back to England. I guess it's more of a what to do in between kinda thing.

I know that in 2007 my eyes were opened to the love of the Father. Ever since then my life has radically been changed. God has shaken my own private world upside down. He has shown me His faithfulness in so many ways. I have seen His heart in countless areas of life. Now instead of asking "what can I get from this? What can God give me?" it has turned into "Where can I be used? What can I do for Him? How can He use me? Where can I go for Him?"

His unfathomable love is addicting. It's my desire to love Him the way He loves me. Will I always succeed? No because I am human and I screw up. Sometimes I will not passionately love Him. My hearts desire is to love Him with all I have. I will try my hardest to love Him that way!

To give my all....all of my heart.... to my lover

He is my desire and I am His

What more could you ask for?

~H~

YOU See Me!

2009-06-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

I struggle with so many thoughts. Trying to keep the lies of the enemy at bay is so hard! The thought I struggle with the most is feeling invisible and unimportant.

Being the oldest of five kids I think you feel a bit lost in all the others. Especially having gotten the most attention and then it's suddenly gone, it's hard to find yourself and importance in the madness.

For me it's so hard to not to take value for myself from boys. I strive so hard to get it from God but it is a struggle to not wrap my identity in a boy. Whenever a boy does something like doesn't have time for me or just always puts things that aren't important before some important things I wanted to talk about, it really speaks to my identity. I feel a lot of unworth and unimportance. Then I begin to distrust and the protective walls come up. I don't want to be hurt.

I want to my heart to automatically go to what the Father says of me. Instead of going to a place of hurt or anger, I want to hear the Father's words whispered into the broken places. I want to cast aside the lies and pick up the truth.

Why is that so hard to do?

My God sees me! I am important to Him. He always has time for me. No matter what He will never let me down. I mean so much to Him. My value and self worth is found in the Father and not people

People let you down....God never will.

People don't define you, God does.

~H~

~ God is a Romantic ~

2009-06-01T21:34:00.001-07:00

Have you ever wondered why the movies like Pride and Prejudice move us as women so much? Why is that type of romance so fascinating? Why is it something that every woman desires?

I have been on a BBC movie watching kick lately. My friend told me of a series that someone had posted on youtube called North and South and I got sucked into watching it.

There is just something about the old romance that just thrills me to the core. I love watching that type of relationship. Here is how I see the scenes...
" The scene takes place in a ballroom full of dancing people. The man enters, looking around the room with a very bored expression on his face. Then his wandering eyes stop. A stunned expression comes over his face. He has just seen the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on. No woman in the room compares. He is captivated and his heart instantly is hers."

That's how it always starts, but also with a bit of a twist....the woman thinks he's a prick...jerk...whatever you prefer. And so the story always continues with his adoring eyes following her, she judges and snubs him, he does many acts of love for her secretly, giving up hope she will ever love him, then of course there is a huge tragedy and all the kind things he has done and is doing is made known and her eyes are opened....then she falls for him. Of course there is always a scene where the confessing of love happens and he sweeps her off her feet to live happily ever after.

Why does that type of story always thrill me? Maybe because that doesn't happen in real life? I don't think that is true. I think many love stories that happen in books happen in real life too. Maybe they just are drowned out by all the tragic ones.

The stories thrill me because of how deep the adoration is in the man. The intensity of His love for Her. The love is not based on sex. He is not looking for the physical. He just wants her for who she is and for how captivating her beauty is. He pursues her...wants to make her his. And he never gives up. The looks, the pining, the chase, how he sees her for what she is....it's amazing. T

I see God like that. I prefer to see Him as a lover and friend than anything else. Maybe that is why these stories speak to me. Why I cry through every love movie and wedding. Unconditional and passionate love speaks to me....it's how God loves me.

I am a huge romantic

I know God is too

~H~

~Big Changes Coming~

2009-05-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

There are some big changes in my life happening soon! I wasn't sure if I would talk about it on here, but now that most of the fam knows it's no big deal I guess!

The 30th of June is my last day of work at the salon!!!! I am so excited. Not that I haven't enjoyed working there but I am def NOT an Ellijay girl AT ALL! So my last day is the 30th and then I am headed to Colorado for good! Jake is going to fly down and help me drive to Monument Colorado where he lives. We are both so excited for this change and to actually be able to date in person and not the phone...YAY!

I will be living with his family in their house and have not found a job yet, but I am not worried cause I know God has something there for me.

As excited as I am, it's kind of a scary step. I am leaving where I grew up for 22 years, all of my family and friends, and am starting a brand new life in Colorado! It's scary but exciting. An adventure!!!!!!

God has got some amazing things to show me out there. I am excited to discover them. I am excited to grow closer to my Jake and for our relationship to grow even closer with God as the center!

Yay for changes and adventures!

~H~

Wedding & Baby Season!!!!

2009-05-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

The season of babies and weddings has begun. If someone isn't getting married they are having a baby or delivering one! I think that weddings and babies are one of the most beautiful things that God has ever given us.

To be honest from about 18 til 20 I was on a no baby kick....being a nanny and the oldest of 5 kids does that I think...and then all of a sudden this year I am on a huge baby kick.

Seems like most of my friends are getting married and having babies. Now don't get me wrong I love the fact that I dont have the kinda stuff they do and that I am free to go as I please but I am getting to the point where I am ready for it.

I am ready to be married...not so much for babies yet.....and having adventures with my husband. I am ready to be a mom in a few years. Or at least ready for someone in my family to have a baby....come on now people!

The more I think about it the more excited I get to be married and have adventures...YWAM! And then to also raise a family in that environment. It's kinda exciting to think about!

Right now the main focus is the marrying part I think. I have such an excitement and anticipation for it even though I know it's not all roses and rainbows. I am excited for the adventure and challenge. And the growth that God will do in me!

All I am doing now is waiting and enjoying my love while I wait. Life with him is fun!

Sorry I was kinda all over the place with my thoughts

~H~

You Are For Me

2009-05-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

This is my new favorite song by Kari Jobe.
Right now in life it speaks a lot to me so enjoy!

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me that

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

Overwhelmed

2009-04-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

God is really showing me a lot right now and it's kinda overwhelming.

One thing I have discovered is that I have a lot of fear in me. I am afraid of death, of being left alone, that someday Jake will decide that I am not it for him, of diappointing people, of change, and sometimes even of God. Being full of fear is exhausting. It is frustrating!

One thing that God is showing me is that I need to stop feeding the fear and listening to it. I need to give it up and trust Him in everything. Trust Him in the fact that He has got my life and everything in it and that I don't need to worry!

I am really bad at realizing that and laying down my fear and self. Laying myself down so that God can come in and pick me up!

He has always been good at calming my fears. His peace seeps in whenever it gets to be too much.

Oh how He loves me

~H~

April Showers Bring May Flowers

2009-04-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

Oh I really hope that there are no more showers in store this spring. There was so much rain March and I am ready for warm weather!!!!!

I have been meaning to update this thing but haven't really been in the bloggin mood really. This past week Jake came to see me which was absolutely amazing! I love spending time with him.

Jake and I were talking about how cool it is to think how we were just best friends once without the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing and how easily and normal it was to transistion. There was no weirdness when it became more than friends. We love hanging out b/c not only are we best friends but we also love each other in a way that is more than friends. It's really cool to be in love with your best friend. I can tell him anything and it's never uncomfortable and I know he loves me no matter what I say! Ah it was such an amazing week. I miss him a lot.

I am def ready for the summer though. Spending time with Jake and enjoying warm weather and the new adventure in life....getting out of Ellijay! It's so awesome and cool to see how God is working and has worked in both of our lives and how He put us together. We have such an awesome adventure ahead of us and we are both so excited!

Right now we are working towards going back to England in 2011. Both of our hearts are for missions and also back in England so we are working to getting back out there! Also next summer we really want to go with Jake's church on a missions trip to Uganda. We both have a heart for Africa and would jump at the chance to go!

God is def teaching me a lot in this season of life. He has shown me that I have some fears that I need to work through. I need to stop living in fear and to trust God in the day to day life.
I also have been shown that I have too much expectation on myself. I expect myself to be perfect and that is not humanly possible. I am really hard on myself when I mess up. God is showing me that I am human and only He is perfect. I need to give myself the grace that He has shown me.

God has really shown Himself to me in Jake. It's so amazing to be blessed with a man who values you for yourself and doesn't want you to be someone else. TO be loved unconditionally is beautiful. Jake loves on me very well. God def shines through Him. God has shown Himself in everything that Jake does for me. It's like God is saying that this is how He feels about me except ten times more! It's amazing and I am so blessed to have a God that loves me so much!!!!

So yeah there is some of my life as of now for everyone!
~H~

My Life Summed Up In A Blog Post

2009-03-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

Life. It's not always the nicest thing you know. But then again it is so worth living.

My life....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I already vented about it to Jake but I though maybe ya'll would like to hear as well.

I am stuck. In Ellijay. ICK!

I can hear the Call. I can feel the Call. My heart is longing to be running towards it but my feet are grounded. It's not time for me to leave yet and that is so frustrating to me.

God has called me to a different life. To be different to act different and to live different. I am a missionary thru and thru. He has called me to be out there showing His babies His love. I know I can do it in Ellijay but I know that I am called somewhere other than the States! God has a bigger plan for me than here.

Jake and I were talking about what we have a heart for. We have decided Jake has a heart for everyone and everything under the sun! Me on the other hand my heart is burdened for the Orphans....the Unwanted and unloved.....for teenage mothers who are disowned.....for sex trafficed women. I have a huge heart for Africa as well.

The cool thing about mine and Jakes relationship is that we both feel pulled to do missions which will be an exciting adventure for us. The problem is that we want to be out there now! He can't cause he has to finish school. I am not supposed to go yet...God said.

So for now my heart will have to long to be out there and I will continue to pray into what God wants me to do now.

Other than being tired of the same ol same ol....Jake is coming to see me in 4 days which I am excited about. I haven't seen him in 2 1/2 months...oh long distance!

That's really all

Running after God and loving everything He is showing me

~H~

Wedding...YAY!

2009-02-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

MY SISTER IS ENGAGED!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could not be happier for her and I get to be the Maid of Honor which I am totally excited about!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Courtney and Kevin's relationship is so God based and so God saturated that even though she is young it just works cause it is so from God! I could not be prouder or more excited for both of them!

Now I know some of you must be thinking....how do you feel about your little sis getting married before you....actually I know people think that cause they have said it to me.
First off that is kinda irritating that everyone asks me that. I like where I am in my relationship with Jake. I know that he is the one God has for me. Right now the only thing I am looking forward to is seeing Jake again! I am so content in where God has us relationship wise.
So to answer everyones burning question I am so excited and happy for her...I was crying harder than she was when she got proposed to!
So that's the big news.....ah so exciting!
MY SISTER'S RING!

Don't Care About the World, Just Listen to God

2009-02-07T20:09:00.000-08:00

One thing I have noticed is that I seek other peoples opinions way too much. I am a huge people pleaser. I look too much to people to give me value and identity than to God. So the other night I decided that I am no longer going to do that. Easier said than done but with GOd's help I can!

Seeking God and what He wants has been my biggest joy and desire, but lately I have let other peoples voices drown out His voice. Now I am tunning my ear to His voice again.

Following Him and living my life the way He wants is what I desire...I don't want to live the way that other people or the world wants! I like living differently!

Few thoughts for everyone

~H~

Some Pics From My Trip

2009-01-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

My Wonderful Boyfriend

He makes me smile!

Beautiful Rockies

Awkward Jake!

Sarah and Me

Typical Hannah and Meredith Picture

Oh Isaiah!

Lovely Sarah

Confused Mer!

Fun in the Kitchen

The snow of Minnesota...ick!

I love LOVE

2009-01-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

At the request of serveral people I am updating my blog...plus I really need to!! So my lovely family I am updating just for you b/c I love you that much!!!!!

I did make it to Colorado!!! YAY ME! So many crazy things happened that week I will try my best to remember them all.

My adventure begins with a very smooth on time flight that felt like it last for 8 hours instead of 3! I was so excited to be visiting my best friend Jake (who I actually liked a lot) that it was very hard for me to sit still.
I land and call Jake to see where he is at, only to find that his mom gave him the wrong exit and he is going to be late...30 min late to be exact ha ha ha. If you knew him you would say "Typical Jake". Finally he shows up in which I launch myself at him and give him the HUGEST hug ever known to man! So good to see my best friend...on the guy side of things that is.
We get to his house and Jake decides to show me the downstairs patio....so we go down there and look at the snow...it was SUPER cold!
As we sit and talk Jake asks me a question..."What would you think or say if I told you that you were my mystery girl?" (Just to clarify He told me he liked someone but wouldn't tell me who it was...therefore she was dubed the MYSTERY GIRL)
I told Jake that I would be super excited b/c I have wanted it to me for a really long time. He told me it was me and that he was so excited that I felt the same and gave me a huge hug!
So that is the general story.....we talked more in depth about our relationship on our 16 HOUR ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!!!
Our relationship is so from God. HE has really blessed me with an amazing Godly man who cares for me and my relationship with God. Jake wants the best for me and treats like I have never been treated. I have never been loved like this before...I mean other than GOD....it's amazing! God is so good and I don't deserve it!

The rest of the trip was awesome as well....Jake and I drove 16 hours to Wisconsin and spent 4 wonderful days with our YWAM friends. It was so sad to leave them. We had such amazing times and I wish we all lived together again! J and I made the 16 hour trek back to Colorado saying once again over and over again, that we will never do this again, fly next time and declared that if we ever did do it again we would def bring more than ONE cd....we listened to that CD 62 times by the time we got back to Co. I spent 2 1/2 more days in Co and then flew home.
I think this goodbye was harder than the goodbye I said to all my lovely Holmsted YWAM family. AH!! It was so hard. I held it together til I got to my gate though and then ended up crying to my mother on the phone! Oh dear.

K before I get all emotional again I want to talk about what GOd is doing with me!!!

God is so faithful, even in the crap. One of my girls told me the other day that God was bored with her. It made me laugh and I told her that we mess up, are too funny and stinkin entertaining for Him to be bored. Plus He loves and wants to spend EVERY second with us!!! And then she told me that she was so low He couldn't possibly want to be with her. "Oh girl He loves to be with us even in the crap. Wherever we are HE wants to be," I told her.
Ah it's so true. Even in all my hard times, all my crap, He was there. He proved HImself so faithful and good even when I would doubt!
Right now things are kind of slowing down and coming to a close in this Ellijay chapter of my life. Some of my hours are being cut at work and youth is closing for me. So God moving me along to the next thing of which I am not sure. I am def transistioning and also have to factor in somethings. But God is good and will let me know.

So now my loved ones you know some more of life for me right now. I am in love with someone amazing, evermore in love with my God and continuing to seek Him in everything I do!
I breathe in, He breathes out!

~H~

Colorado or Bust!

2009-01-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

Colorado here I come!!!
On Thursday I am headed to Colorado Springs, Co to visit one of my amazing friends from England Jake!!! I could not be more excited! I will be there from Thursday to Sunday and then early Sunday morning Jake and I are roadtripping to Wisconsin to see some more friends of ours!!!! We will be there Monday and Tuesday and then drive all day Wednesday back to Co!

I am so excited to see everyone b/c they are all my DTS family and it has been so long since I have last squeezed them with a giant hug!

I will be quite busy doing many things we cannot do here in Georgia due to lack of snow. Some of the activities include building a snow fort, making a snow many, sleddin (which I have never done) Ice skating outside maybe, lots of talking, eating, picture taking, taking of videos and so much more!!!!

I will try to update and maybe upload some pics!

Pray that my flight and roadtrip is smooth and safe

~H~

My Heart Cries Out

2009-01-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

O God where have I gone???
Have I lost you or are you speaking and my ears closed?
My heart is crying for you but I can't seem to find you
How my heart longs for you in my desert time
How I love to hear your voice when it gently whispers in the depths of my heart.
I love the deep places you take me.
I love how you stretch me
I want to be taken out of the comfort zone
I am straining to hear your voice...to hear where you want me....what you want to tell me...what you want to prune in me but I have lost the ability to hear you.
Help me.
Tune my ears and my heart to hear you again

I long for my Beloved....I have replaced Him and now cannot find Him.
I have put other things before the one my Heart desires and
I cannot find Him

Oh how that voice thrills me to my fingertips.
When I hear His call I just want to dance
How my heart longs for my Beloved

I long to be as close as I can to my God. To be with Him at His feet is pure bliss....as close to heaven on earth as I can get.

I need you Beloved
My heart is broken and hurt...come heal me....whisper your words of love
Come make me that little girl again...

Dancing for her Daddy with childlike love

I want a childlike love

~H~

Myself

2009-01-06T22:31:00.000-08:00

I appoligize in advance if this post sounds depressing but I need an outlet to express myself and this is ok for me cause I know not many people read this lol. I have kinda been having a rough night tonight so this is what I am feeling tonight!

How do I explain what I am feeling. My heart hurts. So many lies being whispered in my ears but I don't have the strength to stop them. Maybe I am what they say. I hate feeling this way. Feeling as if I never do anything right. Screwup, hateful, mean, jerk, ugly unwanted, not worth it, unloved, fake, liar that's how I feel right now. If only they could see my heart...the real Hannah....how much I put on myself to measure up and how much I hate myself for not! I just want to have value, to be loved for me, to be special.
I want people to see my heart for my God and to not judge how I live for Him.
I want to be loved for the woman I am not someone He wants me to be.
I want to be wanted by Him....for Him to see me for who I am and how God sees me. To be loved by Him.
I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT OLD LONELY CRAZY CAT LADY!!!!!
Why am I not what people want????? Maybe God doesn't even want me!
I know He does though but that thought has come into my mind

AHHHHH I dunno what to think right now anymore...too many emotions!

~H~

Oh the Places You'll Go and the People You'll Miss...

2008-12-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

The one year of when I left for my DTS is closing in fast. I cannot believe how fast the year has gone and that it has been so long since I left for England! I miss that place so much! I miss the memories and fun that I left there...and some people.
I miss my DTS family so incredibly much. I get those pangs sometimes where I wish I could rewind it and do it all over again just so I can see everyone and experience everything again!!!!

I really would love to get back into YWAM again and staff. I miss the people and the community and the traveling! My heart beats faster when I think of it! I want to go!!!!!! Am I supposed to go now? I am not sure.

God has instilled a passion for an unordinary life in me and a love for travel and people. When do I go and where is yet to be determined.

Oh to see my people again.....I will see some again soon and I cannot wait!
I miss them and a piece of my heart is with them wherever they are!

~H~

Friends

2008-12-10T21:35:00.000-08:00

How thankful I am for my friends! They may not live here in Ellijay, they maybe spread across the World and the US, but they are awesome!
I miss them a lot and wish they all lived next door to me!!!!
I am going to be visiting some friends in Colorado and Wisconsin and could not be more excited!!! They bring so much laughter and joy to my life and I love my dear friends! How I miss them......

My DTS and Family!

~H~

In a State of Confusion

2008-12-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

I have no idea how I feel right other than confused. I know that everyone will tell me that God will work it out and everything and I get that....doesn't make it any better right now though.

I want to know what the next step is. It's not like I am just here until my DTS starts. Been there done that. I am not waiting on anything in life just God. I have no idea where He is telling me to go next.

I am so confused

~H~

In One Word or Less....

2008-12-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

I always make my Bible study girls describe their week in one sentence or one word and then explain why. So that's what I am going to do....except I am describe my life, not week.

Anticpation.
I can feel things here drawing to a close and yet I have no idea what's next. All I can see is what is right in front of me which is kinda funny since I used to plan and worry about the future so much. God makes me laugh and I think when I finally realize what He has been trying to show me, He laughs along with me. So that word describes part of life right now. I am anticipating where God wants me next, what He is going to do and what stamp will be gracing my passport next!!! I mean I have 191 countries to visit before I get to go hang with God so I need to get a move on!

Perplexed.
I know God is here with me and talking to me all the time, but I cannot hear Him very well right now. THat's kinda making the next step hard to see or hear. I am trying to figure out if I am doing something to block myself from His voice. Am I running from Him? Am I purposly trying not to hear Him? To be honest I think I am a bit scared of what and where He is going to tell me to go and do. I am excited but scared. I like comfort but also discomfort. I like it when God stretches me...not at the time but afterwards of course ha ha. I dunno....all I can do is keep praying for my ears and eyes to be unblocked so I can see and hear Him and then just keep moving forward. Trusting He will direct me where I am to go!

Tired.
To be honest I am really tired of youth group, drama, relationships, not having friends here in Ellijay, and just the mundain of things. I am ready for my next adventure.

Peaceful and Content.
Ok I know that's 2 word (three if you count "and") but that's how I feel. I am sure after reading my posts everyone knows how much I want to be married and all that. Well funny thing is that lately I have been super content with that area and I honestly don't care about it. I am just like, "If He's out there then AMAZING but if not ok." I mean I still get a bit of a lonely and I hope He is there twinge but I am just trusting God and not thinking about it. The other day the thought "Wow I haven't thought about finding someone in a while and I don't really care!" popped into my head and made me giggle and thank GOd! I am just glad I am learning to give it to God and not obsess!!
YAYNESS!

So that pretty much describes me right now...at least all I can explain at 12:40 at night!

" Then I will call and the Lord will answer;
I will cry for help and He will say "Here am I!'"
Isaiah 58:9

~H~

Stronger

2008-11-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

I am stronger than I think.
When I feel like I cannot rise from where I have sank, I suddenly find the strength to get up.
When I cannot fight anymore, I somehow find the strength to continue to fight.
He is my strength and my Rock.....whom shall I fear???
He will hold me, carry me, when I cannot do it myself...when walking fails me HE picks me up.
My strength comes from my Beloved

~H~

In my Isolated World

2008-11-23T12:35:00.000-08:00

I feel so alone right now.
I am so isolated. I don't know how to fix it. I can't hear Him anymore. Where has HE gone?
My heart tells me He is here but my mind tells me otherwise. My emotions are stretched thin.
Why can I no longer here you God??? Are my ears closed to your voice?? I am so tired of pouring out! I can't do it anymore!
I miss my friends...my DTS family. I miss the people who would constantly be in prayer for me and with me. The people who always asked how I was and how me and God were doing. Who offered encouragement not critsism.
My heart aches with lonlieness. It longs for something more than the life I am leading. I feel like a bird trapped in a cage.
I hear talk of going and seeing and experiencing, of adventure, and my heart beats a little faster! I want to go...I want to be out there. My wings long to stretch and fly away from the cage that holds me here.
Why does He want me here?
Why can I not be experiencing the adventure that I crave?
Life here does not seem like adventure...it seems like drama.
I long for friends my age...for adventure...to see the world...to live life to the fullest. I want to understand why I am where He has me!
I hate feeling stuck....and alone.
I hate that I cannot hear Him anymore.
I cannot find Him but I know He is here.

~H~

~My Beloved~

2008-11-13T21:43:00.000-08:00

*** So I wrote this a while ago to kind of describe how I have seen my walk. I hope it makes sense!

Down the road I go, my hand in His, eager to see what is ahead,
not wanting to look back.
As I continue to dance down the path, I am so sure of myself, so aware of my lover's heart for me! I keep my eyes fixed ahead on the path He has created me for, eager to see what's on the horizon.
Suddenly an urge to look to the side and not ahead creeps upon me. I quickly look away from where I am stepping, fixated on what I see. Because my gaze is turned from what He desires for me, I stumble and fall.
Ashamed of what I had seen, of my weakness, and of giving into my fleshly desires, I tear my hand from my Beloved's and start to run into the darkness.
He calls after me, begging me not to go yet, telling me of HIs heart and unconditional love for me and yet I still run.
I am scared of the dark, of being alone, of the feelings that swarm around me, of the failure and rejection that bite at my heels. I run faster and farther away from my Beloved and straight into the arms of the first person who I think will fill my lost spot...my empty place.
He holds me and comforts me. He takes my hand and proclaims his love for me. My heart beats at the words he speaks, thinking that he would fill my empty spot and take away the shame I felt.
I am so in love. Plans of marriage are made. As the years go on He longs to shake free of my hand but I grip harder. I have lost my appeal to him. He looks off of the road we are traveling together and sees another. He pulls his hand free and is gone. I am alone in the darkness once more...more broken and ashamed than before.
I see myself as dirty, not worth it, no longer pure! Who will love me now? Never again can I go back to who my heart truly desires! He will think of me as dirt!
I am worn out, scared, ashamed, broken, rejected and alone....at least so I thought.
I cannot run in the darkness anymore. I fall to my knees crying out for my Beloved to save me! My heart cries out to His...oh my Love come save me....come love me again!
And then, when I had given up all hope, I heard my Best Friend call to me. I heard my Lover's voice, that gentle voice full of love, pierce through the darkness and through my heart.
My Lover spoke and said to me, " Arise my darling, my beautiful one and some with me." (S of S 2:10) The tenderness in His voice was overwhelming!
"My God I can't!! I am so broken, unpure, unloveable, a failure and so unworthy!" I cried, tears streaming down my ashamed despairing face.
He knelt down next to me, gathered me in His strong arms and pressed His face into my hair.
"My love, my child, I will ALWAYS love you! You are worth it. The only thing I want is to be with you. To be seperated from you is anguish! I just want to walk and talk with you as you become what I have created you for! I just want you!" He whispered, tears rolling down His cheeks.
My Best Friend placed His worn hand over my heart and I felt it come alive! It started to beat again, to unthaw, and began beating in rythm with His heart!
He stood up, held out HIs hand and asked me this one simple question, "Will you go with me?"
My eyes met His and I was overwhelmed by the depths of the love that I saw in them. That voice that I loved, once again quietly asked, "Hannah, will you go with me? Wherever I ask and go?"
"Yes Beloved I will go, but will you walk with me?" I ask
"I will never leave you. Thru the good times and the hard I will hold your hand." He stretched out His Hand to me, His eyes smiling at me, shining with intense love.
I took His hand, clasped it tightly and started to walk with Him again.
Suddenly the darkness was gone. We were on the road again. I could not contain the joy that overflowed my heart! I threw back my head and laughed!
He smiled at me and threw back His head as well and laughed. I was so in love with Him I could not control myself anymore. I began to dance before my King. The King is enthralled with my beauty. I honor HIM for HE is my Lord. (Ps 45:11)
My Beloved grabs my hand once more and begins to dance with me.
And we continue on the journey, dancing, My Beloved loving me and I abandoned to Him and His love!

~H~

Ever Learning

2008-11-11T22:13:00.000-08:00

It's about 1:15am and here I sit in my bed, with a cup of tea, writing out my thoughts. I figured that my last two posts have been kinda depressing so I thought I would write about what God has been teaching me. I always find that late nights are when I think best...maybe not type the best though.

I have found that God is very constant but at the same time very unpredictable. As in He never teaches me something the same exact way. If He has something to teach me that I have already heard from Him before, He will teach from a totally different perspective. It always keep me on my toes. He is very constant in the fact that He is always the same. He always sees me the same and His love for me never changes.

One thing that He has been teaching me as of late is that I have become prideful. It came to me when I was sitting at a girls night with my youth girls listening to a speaker talk about relationship and image...and there was no mention of pride in her talk at all by the way. I had been dealing with some stuff and it hit me that I had become very prideful about my faith and relationship with God. I had this attitude that I knew everything and that the way I did things was the only right way to do them. Also I had this "I am not appreciate enough for how wonderful I am" attitude. And all of this hit me right in the middle of a huge purity, relationship, image talk. Talk about Random!

This all hit me about three days ago so I have started the prayer process about it. I have been asking God to show me the exact areas of where I have been prideful and to make me humble. To help me come to where I am not praising myself but constantly gorifying Him. It's not supposed to be about me. I was created for the sole purpose to praise and glorify Him. If I am not doing that then I am not stepping into what I am created to do.

So now God and I are working through it. I am praying through it and asking Him to take this pride from me. It's not going to be easy but I know in the end it will be so worth it!

So that is what God is showing as of late. Now to go and finish my lovely cup of tea and get some much needed sleep!

~H~

Oh the Places You Will Go.....Ummm Where am I Going??

2008-11-05T22:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever looked ahead to the future and just seen your life going no where? Or feel like you are in a really dark forest with your flashlight and all you can see is the next step for your feet to take?? That's where I feel I am right now.

I look at my life right now and have no idea what the goal is. Am I working towards anything? Do I have a plan? NO! All of a sudden I am hit with a feeling of being lost. I am 21, living with my parents, working as a receptionist and full time with youth, I have no friends up here over the age of 17, I am trying to buy a car so as of now I do not have one, I don't have a boyfriend b/c God has not brought him along yet, and I have no idea if Ellijay is where I am supposed to stay!!! I feel like there is no direction in my life right now and to be honest if I look ahead it looks pretty bleak!

One thing I know is true though. As bleak as my future looks, looking right now, God has got me here for a reason. He has me here doing exactly what I am doing for a specific reason!!! He knows what I need and when He will give it to me! And He is teaching me something through all of this. As I look at my life and the no direction it seems to have it dawns on me....I do have direction I am just waiting for God to give it to me. He gave me direction to get to where I am now and He will give me the next step to it when it is time to move on. So really I just need to trust Him.

If I had a theme song for my life it would be about trusting God!

~H~

The States are in for a Change....Is it a good change?

2008-11-04T22:22:00.000-08:00

Around 11 o'clock on Tuesday November 4th 2008 Barack Obama was named President of the United States of America.

To be honest I was very shocked. I did not want him to win at all. I do not agree for a lot of what he stands for ESPECIALLY abortion! Why would you want all the restrictions on abortion abolished???? Why would you vote for someone who would do that? Those babies deserve a chance to live! If you don't want them, another woman who cannot have a baby, does!!!! It's not the babies fault that you messed up or do not want it! I just hate abortion! It is not what God meant for this world! I am being very honest here and not trying to sound angry but this subject gets me fired up!

When I heard Obama was President a wave of fear went through me. A lot of christian people that I know are convinced that Obama is the anti christ and that it is the end of the world! And having had to listen that all the time has gotten me paranoid! I know it's rediculous and that only God knows when the end of the world is but I sure wish people would stop talking abou it! It freaks me out! I still have things I want to do before I leave!!! Geez people! But I am trusting that God knows and I am trsuting Him.

Another thig about the end of the world......I am tired of hearing people talk about it! Only God knows...it says in the Bible that even the angels will not know and they are around Him all the time!!!!! So if the angels don't know WHY THE HECK WOULD WE KNOW!?

Ha ha I think I am being very opinionated tonight but that's what I think so there!

~H~

The Newest Addition to our Youth Group

2008-10-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

So I thought I would post about our newest member to the youth group....Chad TM Agile. These youth crack me up and amaze me with the things they come up with.

So our new youth member is Chad and he also happens to be our youth mascot. My brother and one of the other youth guys dressed up this bear and decided he was our mascot. So our mascot, Chad, is very sensitive, is allergic to dairy, went to Sonic for the first time and loves it, and apparently does not like one of our youth girls, Lauren, b/c she stole his drink. HA HA HA oh how moments like that make it enjoyable to work with these guys!!! They are always making me laugh.

Another funny thing is that the cool new thing to say is now "Oh Hammer!!"
HA HA HA! Love it!

God sends laughter in so many different way and these are my favorties for the week!

~H~

It's Spiritual!

2008-10-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

Lately I have really been experiencing a lot of spiritual stuff. Not the good kind. I have a youth girl who is just struggling and I am trying to help her. The hard thing is she doesn't want my help but wants me to talk to her. Satan is really trying to do a number on this girl and now me too! He sees that I am such a threat to him and he is hitting me hard. I am feeling the effects of it. There has been a lot of loneliness, stress, anger, frustration and other feelings this week for me.

Please be praying for Gods protection and just strength and wisdom for me. For protection and God to comfort this girl

~H~

Is there a pattern???

2008-10-26T19:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like most of my post right now seem to be talking about one thing.....singleness and me beign lonely! How depressing have I become? Ha ha
Well it's what I am going through at the moment so oh well.

Right now I am really trying to figure out some things. 1. Is the loneliness God's way of telling me that it's time? Or 2. Is He teaching me to rely on Him in the loneliness? I am not sure which one it is.

I am content with where He has me....I don't mind being single for right now. It gets hard when the lonely feeling becomes unbearable but I don't mind life right now. God is showingme so much and I love learning even if it is hard sometimes.

Maybe my God is being my romancer right now so I can be the example of what it is like if you on't have someone right now. I dunno. I don't feel like I do a very good job sometimes. Sometimes I think I focus too much on finding someone. Nobodys perfect.

Well I am always learning that is for sure...learning to trust and be patient. Right now marriage and relationship seem so far away...so distant. Just have to trust that God knows what He is doing. I will wait for the one my heart loves!
~H~

Another one Bites the Dust!

2008-10-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen another one has bit the dust! One of my very close friends who was on my DTS and I went on outreach with is now engaged!!! I could not be happier for her and she really deserves this!

But......I am really having a hard time with it. Not as much her engagement specifically or her at all but just the fact that most of my friends are now either dating someone, engaged, or married. I do not have very many single friend left.

I am lonely in this aspect. I am so content with where God has me and know that He will bring my someone when I and he are ready but in the midst of the contentment there is loneliness.

I am so tired of wanting something that God says I have to wait for. I am tired of longing for something that I cannot have right now. I am so tired of this ache. I wish my someone would come soon. I want for it to be my turn so bad.

The thing I struggle about it the most is that I feel like there is something wrong with me. Why is it that no one like me like that? Or that God has not brought him yet? I dunno....it is something I have been struggling with lately and missing lately.

I know God will bring him when the time is right and I will wait but that does not make the longing and aching any better!

In Him
~H~

He's Out There

2008-10-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am on God's waiting list sometimes! Ha ha I know that is an odd way of expressing it but you know it's kinda true. BUt it really does seem like He has a waiting list and I am on it at the VERY BOTTOM! I feel like I am waiting for the important things in life and sometimes having a hard time doing it but then at the same time I am content with where I am!

I guess one thing that I feel like I am at the bottom of the list for is for my future someone. I feel like I talk about this a lot but sometimes I really do think I am at the very bottom! I mean don't get me wrong, I am content being single for now, but I just get super lonely sometimes. Sometimes it just gets hard.

I don't have much to say really tonight but I just miss my HIM.

~H~

What God is showing me in Life

2008-10-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

I am not too sure about what to call this post. A lot has been going on in my life lately. Maybe not physically but def. emotionally and spiritually. God has been teaching me a huge deal in this time period and I am not even sure what it is to be honest.

Well to start off with I have made everything final with me not going back to England. Informed the base and have emailed all of my supporters. That was a load off of my shoulders but also a little bit of an apprehensive action just b/c of the thought of...did I make the right decision? But I need to keep trusting God that I did and that He knows what He is doing.

This past Sunday I started my first girls Bible Study for the highschool girls. It was awesome. We talked about Identity and I gave them these notebooks that I made for them to keep journals in! They really loved them and responded well to the Bible Study so I am excited to see what God does in this time for them and for me.

For me, ever since I talked about Identity, God has been showing me things about my identity. As in I have been questioning what mine is and taking it to God. I have been asking questions like...what am I doing here at this youth group? Will I make a difference? What are you doing in me God? What are you going to do through me? Did I make the right choice? etc. I think this is a good place to be in cause this gives God a chance to speak to me, teach me things, prune me, show me who He is, and to bring our relationship to an even more intimate level. I am excited even though it is and has been hard. I am always reminding myself that He is with me even in the valley. The verse that has really been sticking with me is Hosea 2:14 which says, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." That's where I feel like me and God are right now. I am ok with it...it's hard but I will be better off after I learn and hear the things He wants to speak to me!

Oh and one answer to prayer this week...I got a job!!! YAYNESS!!! I am going to be doing reception stuff at a Salon here in town. Which is awesome cause I did that for a year! So yay thanks God!

So that's me right now.....seeking God in everything even in the Valley and clinging to His hand and trusting that He knows what's going on.

In Him
~H~

Date night with Jilly Bean

2008-10-11T01:12:00.001-07:00

Since working with the youth I have had the pleasure to get to know some of these amazing girls relationly not just in a counseling way. Oh how I do love our date nights! I absolutely love going to dinner and coffee while having heart to hearts or just light hearted chat! I absolutely love this part of youth ministry and I think God knew it lol! So this wonderful fall evening Jilly and I went to Sonic for dinner and Starbucks for...you guessed it...coffee...Hot chocolate in my case! We sat outside at both places and thoroughly(sp?) enjoyed ourselves! How I do love date nights with my girls! Here are a few pics below to share a bit of our fun evening!
~H~

Blessings and Fruits

2008-09-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Most of the time in ministry you do not get to see the fruits of your labor. Sometimes you get maybe a piece not it's not that often. Alot of the times you are just planting seeds and rarely see the fruit. And sometimes it can be hard but most of the time it's a joy just to have the opportunity to serve these kids! I think also it depends on how you define fruit as well.

God totally blessed me the other day with a WHOLE piece of fruit...at least it was to me. I have been talking with one of my youth girls who is going through some boys stuff and just have really put my energy into encouraging her to dive into a love relationship with God...to strengthen it etc. I have been praying for her as well...for her to find God in an amazing way...to want Him more than anything....for HIm to romance her and show His intense love to her. The other night I get a phone call from her and she is just overjoyed b/c she had a God moment. She is a christian btw. She had just had a moment of being overwhelmed by God's love for her!!!!! It was amazing some of the things she said. Everything I had been telling her! And then she proceeded to thank me and tell me that if it wasn't for my mentoring and being there to listen she wouldn't know what to do. She said that she looked up to me and wanted to be just like me and that my walk with God was something she wanted! How encouraging is that????

I have been wondering lately if God is using me in these girls lives and He totally blessed and encouraged me through this girl. Sometimes I think the girls encourage and bless me more than I do them...though they are doing it without knowing it! But I am so thankful that God is working through me and He deserves every sacrifice and all the glory! What a great God I serve!

~H~

Love Story

2008-09-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

I had a friend the other day tell me about a couple he knew who had an amazing story. He was telling me, "Hannah you have to hear the story. Their love story is incredible!"

Ok now to be honest with everyone I am a bit DONE with everyone elses incredible love story! I really don't want to hear them anymore....I want to have one and experience one myself! I am at that age where all my friends are either getting married or are engaged! I would like to be in that area of life as well.

So I was driving the other day, this frustration having already been vented to God earlier that day, when a thought popped into my head. When the thought came I was thinking about wanting an incredible love story with someone. The first time the thought came it went something like this......"You know GOd and I have a pretty awesome love story." The second time it came into my head the thougth went like this..."Hannah you and I have an incredible love story."

What a revelation and wonderful word from God. Honestly I don't think I had ever sat down and thought about it from that perspective. I knwo it's always been in the back of my head but I never really processed the thought that God and I have developed an amazing love story!

Looking back and reflecting over my story has just shown me how much my Beloved loves me! He treasures me so incredibly much and would not trade me for the world. Because of that love and the story that has developed between us I have been able to share that with High school girls! I really can feel God's heart for me and for them.

I love my story and I love the intimate and extreme love that God has for me and I for Him. I don't need to worry about my future someone and if I will get him or start looking for him. I just need to trust my God that He know where my someone is and that He will bring him when the time is right. Right now I am going to focus on developing and shaping my love story with my God. I want to fall even more hoplessly in love with HIM!

~H~

Available, Willing, Trusting

2008-09-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

God is teaching me so much right now in life. He is daily challenging me in everything I do. These past two weeks it has really been about trusting Him which I struggle with daily. That as well as learning how to rejoice in every situation and to continually look to Him for every kind of need.

Learning to trust is never easy for me and I feel like I am always struggling with this. I wish I could just learn and move on....never seems to work that way. I think I will list some of the things I am learning to trust Him with.

-my future
-that He will full fill the desires of my heart
- that He knows who my someone is and will bring him when I and he are ready
- He has my best interests at heart
- He will speak through me to these girls even when I don't know what to say

That's a few of them. Right now the biggest one is my someone. I have the hardest time believing that He will provide that desire. I am always scared that my biggest dream and desire will not come true. Learning to trust God is so FREAKIN HARD!

Another thing I am learning is to be available for God to speak through me to my girls and being willing to say and do what He wants me to for them. It's been a challenge but so incredibly rewarding. I love being able to speak truth into my girls lives. I love being open to God speaking through me. I hope everything I say resinates with the girls though.

~H~

Caving with Youth

2008-09-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

The title in its self sounds like a crazy adventure which it totally was! This Sunday we took a bunch of our youth caving and had an incredible time! I always enjoy hanging out with those guys and it was just as much fun as always! There was a lot of laughter, goofing off, games, slipping, crawling through mud, and of course thorwing of mud! I love these guys and the laughter they bring to my life! Here are some pics of our adventures....enjoy!

Am I?

2008-09-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think my mind gets me in trouble with myself. I am always worrying about some of the stupidest things. I over analyze and over think so many things! I was doing that tonight over something that is probably stupid. I got so caught up in it that I decided to go and read to try and distract my mind!

I picked up my book, Crazy Love, started reading and was just floored. There were so many things that Francis, the author, said that really got me thinking...in a good way! The first thing that stuck out to me the most was when Francis talked about rejoicing in every situation. Am I doing that? Am I rejoicing in the hard times and the good? Every moment is from God and am I rejoicing in that? I should be. He has given me so many wonderful things. I should rejoice in the hard times as well as the good. It is so much easier to rejoice in the good times than the hard. I need to continualy rejoice in EVERY situation that is handed my way!

The second thing that really stuck out to me was when Francis said that the point of my life is to point to God. Am I? Is everything I do in my life pointing to God? Is my every day life something that will bring my Beloved the glory He deserves??? My life should be a constant song that worships Him. I need to be pointing everything I do towards Him.

This book is really convicting me of things in my life that I haven't really thought of before.

I need to not worry about things in my life. That is showing that I do not trust The One I love. He has everything under control. I need to become less so He can become greater. I need to not focus on worry and to focus on pointing everythign I do towards my Beloved!

~H~

God

2008-09-14T21:12:00.001-07:00

Like I said in the post below God totally uses the youth as a way to speak to me or teach me something. By the way when I talked about the girl I took to coffee it wasn't a therapy session for me or anything. It went along with the topic we were talking about...you had to be there...just to be clear :-)

Anyways one of the things I love about God is that no matter how hard or dry a time you are having He always remains the same. He never leaves you and continually holds your hand through everything. When I picture my walk with God it always turns out to be a picture of a road and me and Him holding hands. Sometimes, when it's in the bad times, I see us walking down a hard steep rocky road. Either I am tripping and He is keeping me from falling or I have fallen and He is picking me up again. He never lets go of my hand.

Sometimes God and I are the same height, friends with linked arms. Sometimes He is taller and I am a little girl holding her daddy's hand. Sometimes it's us with hand entertwined (sp?) like lovers. No matter how we walk He never lets me go!

He never stops speaking to me. He never lets me go. He is constant. His heart for me never changes.

Thoughts I have just been having today..... hope you liked.
~H~

Life is Crazy!

2008-09-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much time to write lately. Well I have had time just my mind has been on other things. Life is going good right now. I am enjoying all the new friends I am making and working with the youth.

One of our youth pastors is leaving and moving so I have just had a bunch of stuff handed off to me which I am really excited about. I love being in the middle of things with these youth so I am excited to see what God brings on! So now I am in charge of the girls...so excited....and I will doing a lot with them. I am putting together a drama club, girls small group, snack stuff, contact info and hopefully speaking some. I will also be partnering with Doug, our main youth pastor, and doing a relationship talk hopefully. God is really opening doors for me with these youth and I could not be more excited or thankful.

I am always totally blessed by these youth girls. God always uses them to tell me something...either constructive critism from Him or encouragment. Today I took one of the girls to coffee and I was talking to her about something and kinda wondered out loud about what made me different.....you would have had to have heard the whole convo to understand I think but I was not fishing for any kind of compliment or downing myself at all. She just looked at me and said, "Hannah are you for real? How could this person not see you as different? You absolutely exude God. You are so full of Him." When she said that I was just like wow...thank you! And thank you God. I totally don't feel like I always display God especially when I am working through things with Him, but sometimes it's nice to see things through others eyes.

These youth bless my life every day and I hope that I am helping them and encouraging them as much as they do me. They are amazing kids and God is really working in them and I am so thankful to be apart of it.

God full fills the desires of my heart.....working with the youth has been one of my hearts desires for a while. What an awesome God we serve!

That's life now!
~H~

I Will Look For The One My Heart Loves

2008-09-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

It is 2:18am, I have to wake up to babysit in 6 hours and I cannot sleep. So here I sit in my bed with my laptop trying to type out the thoughts that are running around in my head causing me to stay awake.

How do I describe the intense ache I feel? The constant longing that may disappear for a while but always manages to creep back in. That constant companion I am speaking of is the wanting of my someone. I miss Him even though I have never met Him....isn't that bizarre? I love someone I have never met! I wish I knew Him. I wish He was here with me to share in the moments of daily life.

It's funny to miss and love someone you have never met. It's something that never leaves the back of my mind. Sometimes I even wonder if my someone will come or will I be alone forever?

Right now I just miss Him and pray that God will decide that He comes soon. I know God has a plan. I asked God, after my really hard break up, that the next guy I date be the man I marry. I really think God is answering that request. He has really protected me from guys who would not have been right for me.

So now I patiently wait on God and search for Him. He's coming and I am excited. I forget who said this but I love this quote..."To love is an awfully big adventure."

I hope all of this makes sense....it's just some of what has been in my head.

"I will look for the one my heart loves"
~Song of Songs~

~H~

Beach Trip!

2008-08-27T23:06:00.001-07:00

Around 6pm the Todd family got in the VERY packed white van to journey down to Panama City Beach in Florida to have a fantastic vacation. Ok so maybe we only stayed for two days cause Tropical Storm Fay sent us packing but we had a FUN two days! Here are some pics!!!

Dream on My Little Dreamer

2008-08-21T23:00:00.001-07:00

I know I just wrote this really long post but I wanted to share a dream of mine. When I daydream of course it's about my someone and what He will be like. I was talking to God about my dream the other day and I told Him that if I was the one who was in control and could make my future anyway I wanted this is what it would be.....

I want to go staff the missions school but more than anything I want to come back to the States. I want to work with youth! I love Highschoolers and God has put a passion for them on my heart. I want to marry young. I want to marry a youth pastor! I want to have a little house where all the youth can come over and just have a place to hang out. I want my house to be the one where all the youth just feel welcome and a safe place. I want to work with youth with my husband. I want us to have fun and laugh a lot! I love to laugh. This is my secret dream.

I have no problem telling God this cause I know He likes to dream with me. If it doesn't happen that way then it's ok. But at least God knows......I think He likes some of it. I think He like to daydream with me

Daydreams and Romance

2008-08-21T22:40:00.000-07:00

Ah the world of dreams that I so often find myself drifting into!

This week at the beach I have had a chance to spend some time reading. I have time at home but it seems like the beach just brings out the reader in me that I have lost somewhere in my teens! So being on vacation and in that reading mindset I have been reading through the Anne of Green Gables series. Everytime I read those books I am transported to Anne's world. I want to be her, to experience what she has and has. I want to have a Gilbert Blythe all my own. I have found through reading that I am not a very realistic person but more of a dreamer.

In reading these books I always end up daydreaming. I fall in love with P.E.I and the handsome Gilbert Blythe. When I was younger I would always create fantasies in my head before I went to sleep, of a handsome young man who would think I was not the same as other girls. He would think I was beautiful beyond words and not like any other girl he had met. He would sweep me off my feet, marry me and we would live happily ever after having all sorts of adventures. Sadly it always ends up being a dream. I wish, sometimes, that life was like that.

These day dreams and fantasies do not always help a young single woman of 21. Yes I do still create day dreams in my head. I dream all the time of being swept off my feet by a handsome young man. When I got home from my missions trip I wanted someone special for about a week and then I didn't care. Slowly the old familiar longing feeling is back. It returns faithfully, just like the seasons. It's an ache, a longing, a feeling as if you are missing something but you don't know who He is!

Whenever this feeling comes over me I do something that I think most people will think is silly. I write him love letters! I have this empty journal (I love journals so I have an abundance) that I write all the letters in and hopefully will somday give him when we are married. I know it's kinda corny but I love doing it. It's like I am talking to a friend when I write. A long lost friend.

Lately when this feeling comes it's not as unbearable as it used to be. It's more of a bittersweet feeling. I know he's there and will come but I have to wait. I need to wait with my Jesus and enjoy my time with HIM and my someone will come when my Jesus thinks it's time.

I know this was a long post but I wanted to share......I guess this is what happens when I spend time with Anne, Gilbert, Marilla and have adventures in the pages of books!

God is Funny

2008-08-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

I realized the other day that I have not written on my blog in a while and a lot has happened since the last entry. I don't really know where to begin.

Let's see.....well when I first started raising support for the next leg of my journey I told myself, "ok so I know I am supposed to go to England just not when. So if God wants me to go in Sept then He will provide the money and everything will come together. So I will go for it and do my part." Well, it turns out that God does not want me to go in September. The money didn't end up coming together, but there is a neat story that goes with that.

I work with the youth group at my church and absolutely love those kids especially my girls!! I really have a heart for youth ministry, youth girls and this particular youth group. Well, lately there has been this girl on my heart who does not come to our youth that often but really needs love. Her mom died a year ago. I have had this girl on my heart all summer but never really did anything about it since I was leaving and all. Well, one night last week I really felt like I was supposed to pray for her. I asked God that if He wanted me to play a part in her life to please bring her to youth and also so I could pray for her. She has been having some medical issues. Sidenote: I have felt like I am supposed to do something with these youth girls before but thought that it was another opp. trying to distract me from the main goal of going back to England.

So I am at the church, helping out youth pastor set up the chairs, when in walks this girl!!! I almost dropped the chair I was holding! And then just as if He was standing next to me with a chair in His arms, God said, "See she's here. Now you hsve to talk to her and pray for her." If He had been there in person He would have been smiling. And I kinda felt like He was saying to me, "See...I am gonna use you big time in this group of kids!"

Later that night during worship the girl was having a pain in her side and went to the back to sit down with the girl I mentor, Jill. I went back there to see if I could do anything and ended up praying for her! I was so excited and so full of love for this girl that I started to tear up. I could just feel God's heart for this girl! After we prayed and as we were sitting in the back I had this thought (which is how God speaks to me) which said, "Not yet Hannah. It's not time to leave yet. You have some more to do here. I have more to teach you."

Now I know why I can't go yet. I have things to do here with these girls. God needs to teach me some stuff at home before I can go back to England. I am ok with that. I am willing to wait. One thing I learned on my missions trip was to be willing and to have a willing heart!

The plan now is to continue to raise support, while working with the youth group and working odd jobs. I will be heading back to England in January to either staff the Jan school or if they have too many staff I will be working in Administration and staffing the April school. So right now I am kinda just doing whatever God puts in front of me and just going with the flow of life.

My life is never dull that's for sure!

Days go by really really SLOW!

2008-07-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

Days seem to drag on for me lately...not that it's always a bad thing but when you live in the middle of no where and have no car then it gets a little boring!

What has been going on with me lately??? Other than being INCREDIBLY bored not much! I put my support letters in the mail this past week and haven't needed to really do much since. I am actually kinda nervous and having a hard time trusting God.

It's been hard being home since DTS and even though I see God as this amazing friend and Lover and I see His heart for me, there is a half of me that is afraid and believes that He will make me stay in Ellijay b/c it's hard. I am afraid I will have to stay here and not get to go to England!

I feel like two sides of me are warring with each other! There is the half that believes God is everything HE said and then there is the half that is afraid that He will make me stay just b/c it's hard and I want to go to England! Silly I know but it's a fight that is going on in me!

And speaking of fights me and the enemy have been battling it seems! I have had the hardest time being motivated with the letters and just believing that I have things to offer and believing that God actually told me to go! It's been hard for me to talk to God for some reason and I think I have even avoided just spending time with Him! I talked to my dad about it and he was telling me that He believes that I am supposed to go not only b/c he knows that God spoke to me but also b/c Satan is really hitting me hard about going and is really trying his hardest to distract me!

I believe my dad is right and I know I am supposed to be in England but why is it so hard to trust God in that!? I don't get it!

So yeah that's me these days!

In Him
~H~

Support Letter

2008-07-23T13:34:00.001-07:00

Home But Not For Long

Hello Everyone!
I am finally home from England!!!!! It has been quite the journey since January and I really wanted to write everyone and let them experience some of it with me! First I want
to start by thanking everyone who has supported me in prayer as well as financially. You all have been such a blessing in so many ways. The prayers and the financial support were greatly needed. Thank you for being willing for God to use you in whatever way!

What an amazing adventure I have been on these past five months. God has done so much in me that it’s hard for me to pick out stories to tell. I really want to be able to make you feel as if you were there with me…..to experience what I have. I was in England for 3 months on what they call in YWAM, the lecture phase. That is where we learn about God and His characteristics. We had 12 weeks of lectures of which some of the subjects were; The Father Heart of God, Relationships, Holy Spirit, Bible Overview, Evangelism, Outreach Prep to name a few. Someone asked me when I got back what was the biggest thing that God taught me on Lecture Phase. I didn’t hesitate when I answered hearing God’s voice. God really showed me that I heard His voice. One thing I took away from Lecture Phase was that God is ALWAYS speaking to me I am just choosing whether or not I will listen!

One example of God speaking to me came in the week that we learned about Spiritual Warfare. When learning about hearing God’s voice, I figured out that He speaks in many different ways, one of which is people. It was the first day of Spiritual Warfare and none of us had met our speaker. During the lecture he stopped and said he felt like he was supposed to pray for the girls, so he had all of us line up. He started going down the line and finally came to me. Now that week I was struggling with feeling that I was young and inexperienced and that no one would ever listen to me on outreach or take me seriously. Our speaker started praying over me and started praying about what I had been struggling with that week! All I had told him was my name. He then proceeded to tell me that God wanted me to know that I was young but I had things to offer and experience and that I was ANNOINTED! How powerful is that and how great is our God?!

After Lecture Phase was done we started Outreach Phase which is two months in whatever country God was sending us to. Our Discipleship Training School of 22 students was split into three teams and sent out to China, Poland, and Israel. I was on the team that went to Poland. There were 11 of us on that team, 3 leaders and 8 students. Our team stayed in a small church for 2 months in the little city of Ruda Slaska, Poland. God really used our team a lot in Poland. We had a lot of ministries that we were involved in……Homeless, Kings Kids, Single Mother’s Home, Hospitals, Retirement Home, Street Evangelism, Practical Work, English Lectures and many more. Outreach was a very stretching time for all of us on the team. Not only were we living in tight quarters and together ALL THE TIME, but we were also serving constantly! God really stretched me and refined me during this time. Outreach was where God did the most work in me. My relationship with Him became stronger and I heard His voice even more clearly. I also realized the power of prayer on outreach. My favorite story from outreach is when we prayed for a woman in the church we went to (and lived at) on Sundays. We had prayed for this woman, Ava’s, mother because she had cancer. Well, we didn’t hear anything else about her mother until the last Sunday we were there. Ava came up and shared a testimony about how that week, after we had prayed for her mother, they had gone to the hospital to have the doctor do a check up. When the doctor got the tests back they showed that there was no cancer in the mother’s body! There is so much power in prayer! Outreach has not only strengthened my relationship with God, but also my prayer life as well! What a great God we serve! So there is a little bit of my journey. I wish I could fit all of it in here but if I did it would pages and pages long!

I want to take this last bit of the newsletter to let everyone know what is happening next in my life. While in England I really prayed into what God wanted next for me. As everyone knows I have wanted to go to Africa for sometime so I spent some time praying into that as well. It turns out that God has called me to missions and to go back to England and staff the next discipleship training school. What exactly will I be doing? Well as a staff member I will be doing a girls small group, doing one on ones (which is like an accountability partner), doing the local ministries with the students, and leading one of the outreaches among many things. So when will I leave and what do I need? I leave at the end of August this year. Right now I have to raise about $500 monthly support before I can get my visa. I need those support commitments by the second week of August. God really wants me to trust Him in this area as it is a constant struggle for me. The commitment I have to the base in England is for a year to about 2 years. How can you be involved? I would ask that you all prayerfully consider supporting me financially with either a one time gift or a monthly gift and prayer. If you feel God is leading you to support me, you will find all the information on the enclosed card.
If you cannot give financially please consider supporting me with prayer! Thank you so much for taking the time to read about my journey these past five months, and for taking the time to pray about supporting me! I thank God for everyone of you and for the part you have played in my life.

Life Right Now

2008-07-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

So I thought that I would post something about how my support raising and life in general is going right now.

Right now I am so sick of writing support letters! I am seriously about to give up on them. I am to the point of where I don't really see the point in writting them and here is why. I have to have people committed to supporting me for 500$ monthly before my base in England will send me my visa letters that I need to get my actual visa. And on top of that I am supposed to leave in about a month! I need to be in England two days before the 29th of August!

I have yet to send these letters out. I am trying to get the last little bits put together and to be honest I am really discouraged! I am really feeling like I have failed at this. I have had a whole months before this to get these things out but I wasted time. I feel like I have lost my chance. Honestly I am a little mad at myself.
I am mad and discouraged.

I have a really hard time trusting God in the area of money. For some reason I can't wrap my head around the fact that He would provide all of this! I just wish I could trust HIm in this but I feel like I have lost my chance to go.

So yeah that's a little of what is going on in my head and honestly my life right now.

In Him
~H~

Obligation or Relationship??

2008-07-17T00:39:00.000-07:00

The other day my mom and I were chatting about spending time with God, relationship with Him and how people see God. Our chatt got me thinking... how do I see God and spending time with Him? It also made me realize how other see Him. I guess I should expand.

Growing up in the church, as a young child and youth, I was always taught that spending time with God meant getting out your Bible and journal and spending AT LEAST 30 min with God a day before anything else. If you didn't do that then you were't a christian. Learning that made me fear God. I saw Him as a scary God and someone who would get angry with or punish me if I didn't spend time with Him. Even though I had that fear, it didn't make me want to spend time with God. It was actually something I dreaded. It was an abligation to me. Later in my life I rebelled against that teaching. I was going to find God for myself. I didn't want to love God because my parents did or be a christian because my parents were. I wanted to know God my way! To be honest I ran from Him for so long. God is good though and I finally listened. Since then I have been finding God in so many different ways.

I hate how people say that if you don't have a quiet time then you aren't a "good" christian. Your time with God should not be an obligation. You should not have to make up rules for yourself like "I am not allowed to do any work until I have at least 30 min with God for the day!" You are limiting God when you do that. God is with you every single second of the day. He is with you while you are working. He never leaves. All day He is walking, sitting and riding next to you waiting for you to talk to Him as if your best friend was sitting right next to you. He wants to be your friend not your obligation. If you feel guilty about not having a quiet time then it's not from God. Guilt is not from God it's from the enemy. He tries to make you feel crappy and he will try anything to make you feel that!

What kind of word is quiet time? Where is that word in the Bible? Where does it say in the Bible that you have to spend 30 min reading you Bible and praying? NOWHERE!

I like to think of "quiet times" as spending time with my Beloved. Some people see God as a father figure, a holy figure etc. For me I see God as a lover and friend. I mean I see Him as a father figure as well but ultimately my friend and lover. My times with God are not limited to reading my Bible once a day. I spend my time with God thru out the day. I listen to worship music, read my Bible, pray (even if it's a sentence) and CONSTANTLY sing to Him.

I heard a story of a girl who, when she finished praying, never said amen. She said that she felt like she was hanging up the phone on God if she said Amen. She wanted to talk to Him thruout the day constantly and leave it open for Him to talk as well!

I feel like when you say the word "Quiet Time" you are limiting God. Do you want to have your relationship with God be an obligation or a relationship?

Read this verse and picture God saying this to you to entice you to come spend time with Him.
"My Lover spoke and said to me, "Arise MY DARLING, MY BEAUTIFUL ONE and come with ME!"
Song of Songs 2:10

That is God speaking to you, tenderly asking you to take the time, willingly, to spend some time with Him. Even if it's 5 min to step outside and look at what He made YOU! He's waiting for you! Don't make it be an obligation! Don't disappoint Him. He loves you and is longing to speak to you tenderly!

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her intothe desert and speak tenderly to her."
Hosea 2:14

In Him
~H~

~My Heart Song~

2008-07-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

***So I wrote this kind of song/psalm to God last May when I was going through some things...I had a God moment with Him and this is what came out when I started writing.

"My hands are lifted hight to you, oh God!
I will FOREVER praise your glorious and wonderous name.
You have lifted my head from the ashes and pieced it back together with your loving hands.
Though I am fallen and weary, I will rise because MY GOD GIVES ME STRENGTH!
His hands lift me from the ashes of my past life for I am
a NEW and WONDEROUS creation thru Him!
For thru Him abd His son and the cross I am a NEW and BEAUTIFUL woman,
REDEEEMED and FORGIVEN by my Daddy!
I have been FORGIVEN!
I shine the GLORY and BEAUTY of my God!
I AM A NEW CREATION!!"

In Him
~H~

Finally Home

2008-06-30T23:49:00.000-07:00

I am finally home in the States. I arrived home on the 21st of June around 4:10pm. It is really good to be home though it was a very bittersweet day when I arrived. It was really hard saying goodbye to all of my Holmsted family especially since I won't see most of them again. My best friend saw me off at the airport since her flight was leaving a couple hours later. That was a hard goodbye! I cried all the way to the plane. I think some of the people at the airport thought I was nuts :-)! So when I finally got on my plane I settled down for my almost 9 hour flight. I got excited as the flight went on and then once we started to land I couldn't sit still! I finally got to where my family was and ran across the airport into my mom's arms! It was a sad day but ended on a happy note!

Being home has been an adjustment. It's hard to put it into words how I feel about it. It's hard cause no one understands exactly what I went through unless they were there. God has done so much in my life and changed me so much! It's hard going away and changing and then coming back and everyone is the same, just a little taller and older! It's hard to be consistant with God, quiet times, and yourself. It's been a struggle not to be apathetic. It's weird being out of the christian bubble and back in reality is what I think I am trying to say!

After I got back to the States, I was home for a total of 3 days and then I left again for camp with our youth group. It was so much fun! God really worked in our youth and I got to be apart of it which was such an honor and blessing. I got to pray with a lot of them and they in return blessed me with their confidence and trust in me. There were late night chatts, tears, prayer, advice asked and so much more. God really showed Himself to me and really spoke to me. He said, "See Hannah, they do love you...you are the person they needed...you do have advice and stuff to offer." I was incredibly blessed this whole week by those youth and I thank God for that blessing! I am really passionate about the youth especially the girls and I feel like God is going to use me in this!

So yeah there is a little bit of an update. I will try to write a little more later!
In Him
~H~

Pics From My Trip

2008-06-23T18:07:00.001-07:00

Last Week of Ministries

2008-05-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

So this will probably be my last update until I get home to the States. Poland has been amazing.....amazing and challenging! God has pushed and stretched me in so many different ways on this trip. I have grown so much on this outreach. I will never regret making the decision to come even though it has been hard sometimes! God has proven Himself so faithful time and time again. He provided for all of my trip home (so now I can go to camp!!) and He even gave me a little extra! Yay God!
We have now finished our last week of ministries. It was hard and good. Hard to say goodbye to the relationships we have made but good because we need rest. We still have tomorrow to do an all day event with the church but it will be fun! On Tuesday we leave for the north of Poland for a week of relaxing and debrief at the lake! We are all in need of the rest! Be praying for safe travels and continued team unity! Thanks for the prayers!
Until I am home again!
In Him
~H~

~Yay God~

2008-05-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

Quick update... God is so amazing. I have been praying for some money to come in so I could change my ticket and go to youth camp cause they really need me. I have been really excited about going and I feel like I would not be excited if God didn't want me to go. I feel like God just wants me to trust Him and instead of worrying about money like normal I have been really peaceful about it. I am totally trusting Him!!! Well last night my mom told me that my grandma had sent me $100 b/c she thought I could use a little extra money! How amazing is that?!?!? God really provides! Now all I need is $110!!!! My mom emailed the youth pastors wife and she said that they really need me and if I can't pay the full amount for camp they will find some way for me to go. So if God wants to provide for the camp too that would be an extra $235. But hopefully He will provide the rest!!!! I am so excited! Please keep praying for the rest of the money to come in!!!! Thank you for the already prayed prayers!
In Him
~H~

Yay It's May!!!

2008-05-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

I have officially decided that I miss May in Georgia. There is nothing like it. May in Poland is ok. It's getting green and there are more flowers coming out. It's still cold though! See in Georgia it starts getting warmer around the end of April and then it's even more warm in May....not the case in Poland. I don't miss the pollen in GA though. I can live without that. But yeah those are some thoughts that I wanted to share ha ha!

Things are good here this week. We are going to be pretty busy this week. Monday was our free day and the girls of the team went shopping at the mall! It was fun. I got a pair of jeans and some shampoo! Tuesday (today) We are having a Open Evening for the community. This is one of my ministries by the way. Corban, my partner, is in charge of this ministry cause it was his first pick. But yeah I think it will be good. We have no idea how many people are coming so it should be interesting. Wednesday Corban and I have our other ministry which is kids! So we are going to the poor kids in the area and hanging out with them. We went to a park last week and met some kids and promised that we would come back so we are. Our translator is Greg who is one of the Kings Kids people! Thursday I am going with another group to the Retirement Home down the street. Friday we are going to the Kids Hospital and Saturday some of us are going to do Kings Kids. Then Sunday we are going to the church that Greg goes to and then Monday is our free day again. Next MOnday our outreach leader Paul is going to Israel to be there pastoral visit. So yeah there is a little taste of our week coming up. On the 3rd of June we are going to the lake for a week of debrief and relaxing. Then we go to Holmsted for another week of debrief lol! Life is ver busy for us all right now so we are looking forward to the rest at the lake!

So there is a little more insight into how my week is normally. I am missing home and family a lot now so be praying for me. I would like to come home earlier than my ticket is booked for from England but don't have the money to change it. Please be praying that God provides the money b/c I have an amazing oppurtunity to work with the youth at camp that week! Some more prayer requests....pray for continued unity(we are doing good but the prayers help), rest, renewed energy (we are all a little tired), and good attitudes about ministries etc. Thanks for all the prayers that are being said for us and for me!

I miss everyone a lot!
In Him
~H~

~My Sermon~

2008-04-29T13:28:00.000-07:00

So I thought maybe some people would like to read what I wrote in my sermon so here it is......

God's Heart and Love For Us

Hello everyone my name is Hannah. I am 21 years old and I am from the wonderful state of Georgia in America. Thank you so much for having me here to share a bit of my heart and a bit of God's heart as well. I feel very priviledged to be here speaking to you.

So tonight I really want to share a bit of my heart and some things that God has placed on my heart for all of you. I have such a big passion for sharing God's heart with people. I want everyone I come in contact with to know God's heart for them and how much He is in love with them. So tonight this is my message to you. I want you to see God's heartfor you and how much He is in love with you. I want you to leave here just feeling the love that God has for every single one of you.

So I just want to read a verse that really helped me see the love and heart of God....Isaiah 43:1-4 emphasis on verse 4

"Since you are precious and honored in my sight and b/c I love you." Isaiah 43:4
That verse just blows my mind away. God sees us as precious and honored and He loves us. Those are words straight from His mouth. Our God above, who created the whole earth, loves and thinks that little insignificant us(humans) are precious an honored! Our God has such an intense love for us. He loved us so much that He sent the one thing He loved the most to die FOR US so that we could always be with Him!

His heart for us was to always be with HIm in relationship and to never be seperated from Him. Unfortunantly it was not always like that. Adam and Eve sinned and that put a curtain of seperation between us and our Beloved, Our God. God's heart longed for us to be with HIm so He sent His son to remove the seperation. When Jesus died the curtain of seperation was removed. We had a direct way to God. Now once again there was no seperation and if we ask Him we can have a realtionship with God. We can full fill the desire of His heart. All He wants to do is just love us and spend time with is.

So right now I really want to share a little bit about how this relates to me. I grew up in a christian family and with a view that God was a scary god, and angry god. I grew up thinking that if I didn't do things right and the way that He wanted, that if I messed up, God would be angry and punish me. This was not b/c of what my family taught me. I think it was Satan putting lies in my head. That was such a wrong view of God b/c He isn't like that at all. So I lived my life in fear of God. Finally there were two break throughs for me. God really got a hold of me and my heart. I was going through a rough time around the age of 19. My boyfriend had just broken up with me and I was devestated. I had made him my god and now I did not know what to do. I don't know when it happened but all of a sudden I had a realization of God's love for me and His heart for me. I felt HIs heart breaking for me, for the pain I was going through. I could feel His love coming in and mending my heart. I knew that if He was in human form, like my dad, He would be holding me in His arms. The other break through for me was when I was at bible school (YWAM)and we learned about the Father Heart of God. One thing the speaker said really stuck out to me. He said that no matter how far you run God is always looking for and pursuing you. He loves us that much. He never stops looking for us. That's how big His heart is for us. That really spoke to me. There are so many other ways that I have experienced God's love and heart for me thatit might take a while to tell, but I will save that for another time.

I have another verse that I think shows God's love and heart for us.... Zephaniah 3:17

I love how it says that "God will take great delight in you." Our God delights in us. He thinks that we are wonderful, perfect. He loves us so much that He doesn't notice the imperfections. All He sees is the beauty. That is true love.

So one last thing for tonight. I really want you all to know that you are loved by a tenderhearted God. You don't ever have to earn His love. God's love is unconditional. No matter what you do He will ALWAYS love you. You are the Beloved of God and His creation.

****So that was the end of my sermon. I also read a love letter form God that one of the DTS staff gave us in our quiet time during lecture phase. The people responded really well. Peter (outreach leader) said that all I did was smile through the whole thing. Also one of the Polish guys said that he thinks that God wants everyone to have his love like I do....like they saw in me. That was really encouraging for me. So yeah that's it....I hope ya'll enjoyed it!

Updates from Poland

2008-04-29T13:12:00.000-07:00

So here is one of my few updates. I have been so incredibly busy that I haven't had a chance or remembered to post in a while. We are now going into our 3rd week of outreach and it has been very stretching and challenging. The first week was very hard for me just in the fact that I had no idea where I fit in in the team and I did not like Poland at all. I really missed home and Holmsted. God def. worked in that week and I am feeling much better now. God and I have been getting closer. My quiet times are so amazing and He speakes to me in so many different ways.

We have been doing a lot of stuff ministry wise. We did some things with the Prisons and the Homeless. We have done a lot of Kings Kids stuff but that is mainly on Saturdays. I have actually already preached a sermon at a small church in Picari which is about 30 min from Ruda Slaska where we are staying. I was very nervous but it went well. It ended up being about 25 min long. God is good....He spoke to me through my own sermon. I had preached at the end of the first week when I was not doing well. Funny how God is.

Yeah this week we are now really starting to get into our ministries. They split us up into twos and put us in charge of certain ministries for the rest of outreach. I am with a guy on our team whose name is Corban. We are in charge of Open Evenings (which is like a night where ppl from the neighborhood can come and listen to us, talk with us, or we have a movie night of some kind) and Kids Ministry. I am so excited about the Kids Ministry but not so much the Open Evenings b/c that was not my first choice and I am so incredibly bad about these kinds of things. It's ok though b/c God will use me....I am interested to see how though. So yeah we start that this week. Tomorrow (Wed) Corban and I are going to visit and hang out with some of the kids from poorer families. We have no idea what we are doing so it should be interesting. But yeah that's all that is really going on right now. We have about 5 weeks of ministry time left and then we go to the lake for a week for some relaxation. We leave Poland in 6 weeks...go back to Holmsted on the 11th of June and then I will be back in the States on the 27th of June if not sooner.

One thing you can pray for is for patience and ideas cause I have no idea what I am doing with our ministries. It's a little stressful for me so we will see how God works. Also I was supposed to stay in England an extra week and hang out with my cousin but it's looking like she is not coming over and I would really like to change my ticket and come home early to go to youth camp. They don't have any chaperones for the girls and I really would like to go cause I feel like I have so much to offer them now. The problem is that I would need $210 to change my ticket and $150 to go to camp. So yeah I coul use prayer that if I am supposed to go then that God will provide the money for me to go. So there are some prayer requests.
I miss and love everyone a lot!
In Him
~H~

In The Land Of The Po!!!

2008-04-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

So I have now begun the second phase of my DTS. Now I am on outreach in Poland and wow has it been a stretch!!!! We arrived at the church we are staying in, at around 2 this morning (April 12th)!!! We had a pretty smooth flight but a really rought landing! It was good that the flight was smooth b/c one of the girls is afraid of flying so we are all very thankful it was a good flight! We are staying in Rudaslaska Poland and it is nothing like England at all. Poland is very grey, dirty, and gloomy. People seem very sad and depressed here and I really pray and hope that God uses me in some way to bring hope, light, and joy to the people!!!

Today has been very hectic with walking around, going to the supermarket, meeting TONS of people from the church, eating Polish food (yummy) and meeting even MORE people! The whole team is really tired and our weeks are so full so hopefully we will get some much needed rest!

Please be praying for rest, unity, and joy within our team!!!! One thing for me that is really stretching and frustrating is the language barrier!!! It is so hard for me so please pray for that!!!

In Him
H

~God Speaks~

2008-03-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would share some of the things that God has been doing in my life recently. Where to begin..... Well, God is AMAZING! We are in our final week of lectures and God definently showed up!!! Ah He is SO AWESOME!!!!

Well to begin with I have really been struggling with what to do after DTS is over. I thought God was calling me to staff, but had been missing my family and the warm weather so much that it was starting to effect my decision and what I thought God was saying to me....basically I was struggling to hear what God was saying to me. It's so hard for me to hear God sometimes b/c my head is always full of thoughts lol! I am just wanting to do so much and there are so many options!!! LOL! Well anyways I was just praying to God every night before I went to sleep that He would give me a peace about all of the future stuff and money (I was worrying about that too) and I was looking back over the week and just realized that I am more peaceful and not worrying as much!!! Wow God is good and shows up right on schedule....more like His schedule!!!

But yeah He also showed up and spoke in an incredible way today....well at least I think so. We are in our last week of lectures and wow....it's going to be a GREAT week. So the way God showed up to me today was through getting prayed for by our speaker Emmanuel. He was praying for me and just started by saying that I had a strong desire to see my generation come to Christ and he just prayed for me to be released into that desire. He also prayed for a release and healing of my insecurities and that whatever was keeping me from stepping out would become untangled and would release me to step out into the person that God created me to be! He also said that I felt young (I have really struggled with feeling younger than I am. Sometimes I feel like I am 15 instead of 21) and that I was young and that I had feelings of "I have nothing to offer" and that I felt inexperienced (which is exactly right and I had talked about that with my room mates the night before)....He started to talk about Samuel going to annoint David and how David was young. Then he said that he felt like God wanted to say to me that I was young but I had stuff to offer and that I did have experience and that I was ANNOINTED!!!!

God is so amazing and I cannot believe the way He spoke to me! I started crying I was so overwhelmed with His words!

So yeah a little insight into what God is saying and doing in me!

In Him
~H~

~Having Tea With God~

2008-03-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

You would think that the stereo type of the English drinking tea to not be true because most stereo types are not. Well my friends let me tell you that the stereo type is completely and utterly TRUE! I drink so much hot tea here it is ridiculous. I drink it during my quiet time (hence the title), at break in between lectures, at lunch, after lunch, after community care, at dinner and at least two cups before bed!!!! Oh wow! I thought that might entertain some people lol.

Anyways we just finished our 9th week of lectures and are about to start our 10th which will be on Grace. We are all pretty pumped about that. We have two weeks of lectures left including this one then a week of outreach prep in which about halfway through that my team leaves for Poland. We are very excited and ready to see what God is going to do.

So this weeks lectures was on Sin and Repentance and God def. did some amazing things in our group. He really broke a lot of past crap and brought a lot of stuff out of darkness into the light. For me God def. brought some things to light. I got to work through them and pray them out of my life. I broke free of that and I am so glad and thankful!! God is awesome!!!!

But yes that is really all I have time to explain right now. I will try and get on and tell more!
Lots of love in Him
~H~

More Updates from England

2008-03-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

Hello once again everyone. Sorry my last post was cut short but we were about to eat and I had to run if I was going to go with them.
So what has God been doing in my life since I came here? Well, lets see.... God has def. made Himself more real to me than I have ever seen Him. I now see Him as my friend, someone who cares for me, a father, an intimate friend and not as scary God. He has opened my eyes to a whole new God that I always dreamed of knowing. I constantly pray that God will show Himself to me and the more I pray that the more He shows Himself! He has blessed me with an unexplainable joy.
What is one of the examples that He has shown Himself to me you ask? Well, the other day we were having a prayer/ ministry time and I was really struggling with where I fit in....well I was talking to God and in my head was asking Him where I fit in. As soon as I did a voice in my head said "with me Beloved". At first I thought that it was me answering myself but I really do think now that it was God speaking to me. After I asked Him where I fit in I asked Him why and He said "Because I love you". WOW! I find that so amazing that I heard from Him. But yeah that's an example for you!
So life here at Holmsted is going to be crazy busy over the next month. My outreach team (Team Poland) is leaving the 10th of April which means we only have about 5 weeks left of lectures. All of us in the DTS are not looking forward to saying goodbye to one another but we still have 5 weeks left. But yeah this weeks lectures is the Overview of the Bible and then we have Evangelism, Sin and Repentance, Grace, Spiritual Warfare, and then a week of outreach prep.
So that is what is going on in the upcoming weeks. I have to go to bed now or I will never get up in the morning! Good night all!
In Him
H

~Hi ya from England~

2008-02-29T11:27:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!!!!! Ahhhh it has been so long since I have updated this blog! Our internet at Holmsted is so slow that it takes us at least 30 min to check our email. Plus my computer died! But it is ok b/c God has blessed me to be able to get a new one.
Where to begin. God is doing so much in my life that i don't even know where to start. Well, I have been here almost two months and love England with all of my heart. It is very green and cold. Our house doesn't have much heat so we bundle up and drink quite a lot of tea! There are about 23 students and then staff so all and all we have about 70 some odd people living in the house! Living in community can be quite hard sometimes but I am finding that I like it.
God has def. been working at Holmsted. He has been opening up my heart more and more. The baggage He has been setting me free from is amazing and God is showing Himself to me in ways I never thought possible. I am def called to full time missions. I am thinking right now that God is calling me to come back to England and staff for the next January school. Well i am going to the pub to eat so I will write more later!
In Him
H

My Song I Sing to Him!

2008-01-14T23:22:00.001-08:00

Oh Lord, You're beautiful
Your face is all I seek.
For when Your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.

Oh Lord, You're beautiful
Your face is all I seek.
For when Your eyes are on this child.
Your grace abounds to me.

I want to take Your Word and shine it all around;
First, help me just to live it, Lord.
And when I'm doing well
Help me to never seek a crown;
For my reward is giving glory to You.

Oh Lord, please light the fire
that once burned bright and clear
Replace the lamp of my first
love that burns with holy fear

Oh Lord, You're beautiful
Your face is all I seek.
For when Your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.
Your grace abounds to me.

Off to England on Thursday!

2008-01-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

Alright so this is the very last update on everything until I have arrived in England On Friday the 18th! I leave on Thursday the 17th at around 6:25pm and could not be more excited. This has been almost 3 years in coming (2 of the years I did not want to listen even though I was SUPPOSED to go lol) and I am SO ready!
My last church service at my home church was this past Sunday and God really showed up!!! I was really worshiping Him! There was one significant point in the service though.
I had my eyes closed and a song had just ended. I asked God to let me just have a heart of worship and to not be focused on whether or not I looked good and holy. Well, Casey (AKA worship leader) started playing "Oh Lord You're Beautiful" by Keith Green. There was a line in there were it says "Oh Lord please light the fire, that once burned bright and free" and I was just like "Lord that is what I want!" Well, then the chorus comes where it says "I want to take your word and shine it all around, but first help me just to live it Lord and if I am doing well help me to never seek a crown for my reward is giving glory to you." Mom put her hand on my head and I just was so overwhelmed that I started crying. I felt like God had said to me, "Hannah it is time. Go and spread my love to my lost sheep. I have confidence in you. Go live the life I have for you and feel the love I have for you!" I felt as if my Beloved had anointed me in worship, anointed me to go and spread His word and to just live in Him and in His love! It was the most WONDERFUL experience up to date!
HOW I LOVE MY GOD!!!! I CANNOT HIDE MY LOVE!!!!! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM!
And so now I am about to embark on my journey! I will see you all in England! Keep the prayers coming!
Forever basking in His love!
~H~

~Memories~

2007-12-29T22:08:00.000-08:00

As the new year of 2008 fast approaches I find my mind wandering over this past year and back to the years of when I was younger, before I became a so called "adult". What memories come to mind. Right now, as I type, I am listening to the soundtrack of Little Women and the memories flood back even as I listen to the tracks. How I used to fantasize after watching the movie and day dream while I was reading the book. I was apart of the world and every time I read or listen to it I am transported back to those dreams!

A friend asked me, when I spoke to her about Little Women, who I could relate to in the book or better yet which one described my personality best. I knew if I could be described through anyone it would be Joe! Strong, opinionated, adventurous, out to seek a romance, wanting to find the woman she was destined to be...Joe and I are very much a like!

Oh to be a child again...what glorious days those were. I never knew that growing up would be such an adventure and yet I feel as if all of my growing up was done in this last year instead of the 20 years it has physically taken. This year has been a hard one....more emotional and spiritually hard then anything else. I have had to work through heartbreak, the lose of a love or better yet the giving up of an idol in my life to my God, being completely broken and angry at God, accepting His will and obeying what He has been asking of me for so long, working hard, raising support, learning (ever learning) to trust HIs will and timing.....so many hard things. I know the trials are not over, far from it, but with God by my side who can harm me?

Yes, I am glad 2007 is over! The year 2008 is going to be wonderful. I leave for England 17 days after the New Year and God is going to teach me so much. He is going to give me so many more wonderful things and many more wonderful and amazing friends!
And once again....many more memories to treasure for as long as I live!

Forever In Him
~H~

God is AMAZING!!!!!!

2007-12-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

God is so wonderful and is always looking out for me! I just got a check in the mail that takes care of the rest of my DTS along with a little extra!!!! How wonderful is that?!?! And the funny things is I had a prayer time last night about all of my distrust and worrying about the money!! Ha ha ha well I guess I got schooled! HE is so amazing and always full fills my needs! Why do I always worry cause He knows what He is doing! How great is our God!!!!
In awe of my God even more~
~H~

Quick update!

2007-11-12T22:53:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone...this is a quick trip update! I have my tickets for England and am leaving the 17th of January at 6:25pm!!!! It is final now!!!!!!!! I have wired some money to pay for the lecture faze of the trip and now all I have to pay for is the Missions part....I don't have that money yet so please be praying for that to come in. Well that's all the update I have right now!
Blessings
~H~

Things that I have learned....

2007-11-08T21:48:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, listening to my music, curled up on the big comfy couch in this quiet sleeping house, I reflect over things that God is teaching me and the things that I have learned. I also think about the things that I would change if I could and the things I long for and you could say, miss. This road to England has been a hard one....this past year has been a tough one. Being a live-in nanny was a stretch for my comfort level and I will never do that again! I do not miss that at all...I do miss certain people in my life. Past friends that I have lost contact with, my present friends I don't see often, past loves. As I sit and remember the past year I will say that I do not regret it even though it has been one of the most trying years of my life so far. I have loved and lost, been brought to my most broken place and even though I though I would never be able to go on God, my lover and my Abba, came through. He came and picked me up out of my brokenness and put my broken heart back together again! He came to my rescue and has brought me through so much! And even though I thought that I would not be able to go on or function, my God has tenderly loved me back to life! I have learned to listen(still learning that)and to not run. I have and am learning to trust Him...He knows what He is doing! I am learning to have faith, to trust, and to try and be His vessel even though sometimes I do not do a very good job. Whoever said being a christian was easy was LYING! Oh, my God has brought me through so much and I am learning to desperatly cling to Him for He will never lead me into anything I cannot handle. How great is our God for He never fails you.
Forever following and learning from my Beloved
~H~

So far away and yet so soon!

2007-11-04T23:43:00.000-08:00

Moments like the one above are not going to be often once I am gone. Maybe with others but not with my family. I cannot believe that I will be leaving in two months for another country. It has not sunk in yet and still seems so far away! I will say that even though sometimes my family and I do not always get along I think I will miss them the most! I love the noise, laughter, goofing off, banter and the life of my family. I would not trade for any other! I cannot wait to leave though as much as I am going to miss them. I am ready to go on my adventure. I need to start my own life and journey with God even thought my journey with my God has started long before this mission trip. My first memory and influence in missions was that little book Mom and Dad read to me about David Livingston. I remember thinking how brave he was and how someday I wanted to be just like him. I think that is when I decided that I was going to be a vet/missionary to Africa...I mean the Africans needed vets too right?! When you are 10 you don't know much better! I think that is the moment that God put that calling on my life. So soon I am off to follow in the good Dr. Livingston's shoes and to journey into the unknown with my God! Oh how I long for January to come quickly for I am eager to go! I am nervous and growing weary for the the closer the trip gets, the more Satan attacks! It's really hard and God is def. teaching me a lot. I am so thankful for the many prayers that everyone is sending my way! Thank you to everyone!
Forever in Him
~H~

Is Public Speaking Always in a Missionary's Job Description?

2007-10-21T21:58:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I was never know to be much of a "public figure". I was always awful at speaking in public and though many times I wanted the lead in the church plays, I always got SO nervous! It was the "sick at your stomach and not ok til it's over so you never really enjoy the moment" nervous! Well, today I got to speak in front of the church about my trip and let me tell you I was shaking I was so nervous! I did not want to go up there at all! Luckily my pastor was up there and he asked me questions. It turned out pretty good! I explained what I was doing, where I was going, what it would take for me to get there, and just some things that were stretching me from my comfort zone. I ended up having words to say and I did not throw up so that was good! When I sat down after though, I ended up thinking of all this other stuff I should have said! I hate it when that happens ha ha ha! Oh well! Mom said that God gave the words I was supposed to say so I guess it went the way it was supposed to. I did get prayed for which was awesome and such a blessing! I also got $1150 from a couple people (not each but combined that's what I had at the end of the day) and that was so awesome! God is good and He always provides! I am a little over halfway there! It is just so surreal! I can't process that I am going to England for 5 months in about 2 1/2 months! It just doesn't seem real at all! I am so excited! Well, that is the update so far!
Blessings
~H~

Praying as a way of life

2007-10-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

It seems like every time we go through a season or have something major happen to us, that there is a theme to go along with it.....it's own personnel theme song if you will! Right now I feel as if there is a major dry and weary spell in my life and the theme that God has given me is PRAYER! I feel as if prayer is a major thing He wants me to focus on, especially with my trip and all the funds and such. Not only has my life been prayer themed but so has the verses that I have recently read! Funny how that all works out. Here are a few I thought I would share.

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
2 Chronicles 7:14

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. THE ONE WHO CALLS YOU IS FAITHFUL AND HE WILL DO IT."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-24

That last verse is not all about prayer, but I love it! It's one of my favorites and I especially love the last part! It's so relevant to my life. He is calling me to missions and He is so faithful and no matter what He will always be faithful and give me my heart's desire in His timing! How awesome!
I also really like the part where it says "do not treat prophecies with contempt" because a lot of people think they are weird and fanatic and honestly I think that they should embrace it. It is just God speaking to another person about you and them sharing it with you! It;s very edifying, encouraging, humbling and so many other things. Well those are some of my thoughts for tonight.
**Sidenote...not much to report on the trip. Money is coming in...people are so awesome for giving. I did find out that it's actually $6000 that I have to raise instead of 5 but God will provide. I am going to book my tickets soon and then next Sunday (the 21st) I am speaking at church about my trip. Other than that there is a lot of waiting and trusting!
Trusting in Him
~H~

Wanderings of a intrigued mind!

2007-10-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

What makes you smile? What brightens your day and causes everything to be better? Is there something that could absolutely turn your whole day around? I think laughter is the medicine that God sends to brighten our day! I mean wouldn't you rather have someone who can make you laugh so hard that you roll on the floor crying then just moping??? I love to laugh....it makes things so much better! I think there are a million things that God sends to brighten our days but sometimes we don't take the time to notice it. Yesterday when I went on my walk to try and capture some of the beauty of God, I was extremely content and dare I say happy? To look at the photos and realize that I took those and not only that but that it was a little of God's beauty and creativity that was captured is exciting for me! What is it in us that we are always wanting to be surrounded by beauty and why does it always make us happy? If we stopped and took the time from our busy lives to look around at some of the creation of God, the beauty from him, how content and even more in love with our God would we be!! The beauty of God surrounds us every single day!!! How amazing is the one who took the time to share that with us? Oh to bask in His never ending beauty!!!These are just some thoughts I have had while not being able to sleep! I hope they make sense....
Forever in Him
~H~

God has an AMAZING imagination

2007-10-01T15:20:00.000-07:00

These are just a few photos that I took! It was a beautiful fall day and I couldn't stay inside and let the beautiful weather and day go to waste so I took my mom's camera, my dog and my little sister and set out to enjoy the art of God! Here is a little of what I saw....enjoy!
~In Him~
H

~Revealed~

2007-09-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

It amazes me the places and ways that God chooses to speak to us. Sometimes, probably most of the time, He speaks to us when we are not expecting it. For me, whenever God speaks to me, I always wonder if it's really God talking to me or if it's just me thinking thoughts that I have made up myself. This Sunday, however, I do think it was God and I am totally blown by what He said.
We had a family who has been in Sudan, Africa as missionaries for the past 15 months, come speak at our church this past Sunday. Well of course I was interested, seeing as how I want to go to Africa and also because I am about to go on missions myself. I was sitting there just listening to them and all of a sudden I just had the urge to cry. They were just talking about missions and I was trying so hard to keep the tears from running down my face! For some reason I was overwhelmed and I just remember thinking "God, what in the world is going on?" Later on that day I told my dad what had gone on in church and asked him if he knew why I had the sudden urge to cry. He told me he thought it was because missions is on my heart and that God was speaking to me...that He is calling to me. That got me thinking. The second part of this day ties in with everything else.
Right now in my life I have this incredible desire to find my other half, my future beloved if you will. I am trying to control when I find my "half" and trying to follow God. It isn't working so well. I have felt for some time that God is calling me to missions full time and I do not want to admit that. I have this thought in my head that I can't get rid of...that if I say yes to God He will say no to me. If I tell Him that wherever He wants me to I will go, He will say alright good but because of this I want you single, unmarried, and following me. for some reason this thought pattern is in my head. I want to be able to give all control and fear to God, but it's just so hard.
Well on Sunday, Joy (the mom) was talking about how her husband and herself had been called to missions when they were young and at that very time this thought, that is so unlike me, flew through my mind. I thought "God, I don't care if I get married, I just want to follow you. I just want to go to the mission field!" Even now, typing that is so hard for me, but I know that is of God because Hannah Michelle Todd would never say that. My heart did though! So this ties in with the first thing in this....I feel as if God is saying, "Hannah just trust me...I will give you what you want but right now I want you to go."
I am really excited! Oh how I want to follow my Savior! How I want to be abandoned for Him and to run after His ways and wishes with all my heart!
In love with Him~
~H~

Blessings!

2007-09-19T18:50:00.000-07:00

Ok so God has totally blessed me! I have already gotten some money in the mail as well as some promised to me! I am so excited! Also I have been wanting to get a laptop for some time, but didn't have the money to buy one. God def provided and someone gave me a laptop the other day as well as a webcam and microphone headset so I can do Skype when I get to England. That way I can talk to my family as well as see them for free! God is good!
Blessings!
~H~

And now I wait

2007-09-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

So all of my letters are now in the mail and all I can do is wait...I HATE TO WAIT! God's definently teaching me patience and trust! I feel kind of useless like I should be getting something ready for England but right now all I can do is wait and pray that the money comes in and let God do His thing.
Blessings
~H~

Free like a bird!

2007-09-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

I love how God is freeing my personnality! I used to be so shy and now....not so much! I love to meet new people and I am getting to the place of where new experiences excite me! You can do so much more for God when you feel free...free like a bird.
~H~

Life lately is....

2007-09-06T15:32:00.001-07:00

So life. It has been utterly and completely crazy busy! I have got everything ready, this weekend am stuffing envelopes and on Monday everything is going into the mail! Then it's pray pray pray! God has def. been testing me in the areas of patience and trust. Who knew it would be so hard? Maybe my mom told me at some point in my life. Why is it that you never listen to your mother? As I have gotten older I have realized that Mom...is always right! Also she generally knows what she is talking about! So my mom has def. been an encouragement over these past 5 months. I know that I can always go to her. God has def. blessed me with some wonderful godly parents! Well that's it for now!
Blessings
~H~

My application was.....

2007-08-27T15:32:00.000-07:00

ACCEPTED!!!! I am going to FREAKIN ENGLAND!!!!!!!!! I am so excited! Now comes the praying...praying for the money to come in is the biggest thing I can think of right now! Right now all I need to do is print my letters off and stuff them in the already addressed envelopes! Yay God!!! I am so ready for my adventure to start though it definently has been a journey and adventure to get to where I am right now! In these past 5 months God has really worked on my heart. He has blessed me and loved on me in so many different ways! He is AWESOME!!!! AHH I am just so excited!
Blessings to all
~H~