Abandoned for Him!

One thing I have discovered, as I have thought over my life in Colorado so far, is that I have never met so many people who have told me I cannot do what I want in life!

I mean I know that I am not persecuted in the most extreme way others are but I kinda feel like I am a bit.

So many people in Colorado have told me "no you cant do that, you are making a mistake, you shouldn't do missions, that's wrong, you should go to college, you won't make a difference" etc.

Who made them God? How do they know what God has said? Just because I am young does not mean God does not talk to me. He has spoken to me my whole life. King David was anointed at 13. King Josiah was crowned king at 8. Timothy was a young man (I dont know how old he was) who helped Paul with the early church. Queen Esther was 14 when she became queen and saved God's people. Mary was around the age of 14 when she was pregnant with Jesus. All of these people were young and God used and spoke to them in amazing ways!

I have never had more people try to discourage me from doing what I have been called to do in my life!

Just because they are older does not mean that these people know best. I may never have a ton of money but I am ok with that! God gives me enough to cover my needs. I am always taken care of!

God has called me to show His love to the nations and I am more than ok with that. People should be too!

What better job to have than to be used for God! To travel the world proclaiming His love to the world.

I would rather do that then have a million dollars, my own house, and an amazing career!

It is kinda encouraging though cause to have so much opposition means I am a threat and going to be used in amazing ways!

~H~

Posted by Hannah at 10:32 PM | 1 comments  

I feel so weak. Like I am at the end of my rope. The thread I am hanging on is God. He is the only thing keeping me up. He is showing me that I am stronger with Him then alone. I never knew I had the strength to go through this. With Him I do.

I feel like life is falling apart but in the midst God is putting it together. I have been feeling so beat down for the past two weeks. Money stress and life decisions. Coming home has been amazing to be around my family, but Satan has really used this time to hit me. Things like meeting a guy who told me I will never make a difference in the world so dont even try, a family member jokingly tell me no one noticed me (which is something I have struggled with a lot growing up), feeling like a failure at life, my best friend told me she is engaged, doubt, fearing that I wont find a second job and get all the money to go back to YWAM, lack of trust in God, and found out the other day I need to find somewhere to live the first of Feb.

I feel like things are crashing down on me and I have no clue what I am going to do. The funny and amazing thing is that I am not too stressed about it. God is preparing me. My mom suggested to me that maybe God was using this time in my life to prepare me cause if I was going to be in missions I was going to have to learn to not have a lot. I think she is right on. I believe God is strengthening me in trust. He is showing me that He can do anything and for me just to watch Him. He is waiting for me to ask Him to show me.

God does not tell someone one thing just to make life miserable for another. He has me. He has a place for me to live and I don't need to worry. He has a second job for me. He has me taken care of.

No matter how much life is crashing down on me I still have God there. He lifts me up everyday. If I have to go through this time right now so that I may be stronger for future situations then ok. I am strong enough b/c I have God by my side. Life can get as crappy as anything, but I will never lose my faith or stop praising my God.

He is the foundation of my life and the reason I am surviving the world today. He has plans for me. I plan to be used for His glory. I am been reading over some words spoken over me at my DTS and one thing that was said was that I have a desire to see my generation come to Christ and was prayed release into that desire. I was also told I was annointed by God. Another word was that the hand of God was on me.

I am desperately clinging to those promises. I want to be apart of the change. I want to be apart of God's plan to restore the kingdom that was lost.

I want to be a servant for Him

~H~

Posted by Hannah at 10:13 PM | 1 comments  

Tonight I watched a documentary on Doctors without Borders. I was fascinated by these people who have the courage and talent that I lack. I really wish I had the stomach and talent to be a doctor or nurse cause I would be one in a second.
As I watched this film I saw so much pain and suffering in the people of Africa. At the same time I watched the doctors start to give up hope and begin to dwindle and fade from the person they were when they first came. They lost the fire and passion.
My heart was hurting for the people. How sad is it to lose hope?

I began to notice that not one of them have referred to God. They don't seem to believe in Him. I began to see what ministry would be like if you pushed God away and refused to believe in Him. There was no hope, no passion, and so much brokenness! I know that Christians have the same thing happen to them, but at the same time they acknowledge the Creator, knowing He is the only one to walk with them through the brokenness and crap. They cling to Him cause that is the only way they can survive. He is always faithful and always whispers His love to give hope. I know that not all christians see God this way, but this is how I see Him. Maybe I should have said I....oh well.

It's just sad to see so much hopelessness when in reality there is not. God is there in the midst of the war, blood, disease, orphans, death, etc. He never leaves and is weeping for those of us who won't cry out to Him. He is crying out for us!

Those of us that know Him and don't share should not be hiding this love away and keeping it for ourselves! We need to be out there shouting it to the world, loving the fatherless, building relationship, being humble, being the lowest in the world so that He may be glorified, being servants so that His love and desire for the people of the world can flow through us out to others! This is my heart for the nation. My heart burns for the things of God. My heart breaks with what breaks the heart of the Beloved!

This whole year has been a test of my faith, trust and willingness. God has been speaking to me even in the silence. He doesn't always have to be full of words and thoughts to me. I learn even in the silence. I learn to trust and praise Him even when I can't hear or see Him. I am learning to say I am willing.

God has been putting it on my heart for a long time to go back to YWAM. I have heard the call and haven't answered. I have held myself back as well as letting what people think hold me back. I have let relationship, doubt and fear hold me back. No more! I am taking action. I have sent Holmsted Manor YWAM an email telling them I want to staff in 2010. I am taking the step.

I will still be praying through this decision as I make this change, but trusting God in all of it. I have not been accepted yet, but they have told me that they do need staff so that is hopeful! I will once again be raising money once I am accepted after the new year.

God has a plan for me and I am not satisfied with a normal life. I want an adventure, to be used by God, to love people, to bind up the brokenhearted and set the captives free. I want to have God use me to heal people. I want to pray over them. I want to do spiritual warfare over these people! I want the hold Satan has over the nations to be broken!

This is my heart

I will not be silent any longer

I will be a threat to the darkness!

I will be the least of these so that He may be glorified!

~H~

Posted by Hannah at 11:51 PM | 0 comments  

I have so many what if's and doubts sometimes I dont know what to do with myself.

Right now I have such an incredible tug on my heart to go back to YWAM. It's been there a long time but there are so many what ifs that go along with it. What if I don't get the money? What if this is just me going back cause I want to and it's not God? What if I am making the wrong choice?
Then there is the whole not knowing much of the staff that are left. Can I do it? Can I go back without knowing a lot of people? Can I do all of this? What if I am not ready?

There are so many what ifs and doubts, but at the same time such an incredible passion to go!

What to think

~H~

Posted by Hannah at 12:02 AM | 1 comments  

I cant really sleep right now and am not really sure of what to write about.
The thing I keep thinking of is the words from the song "Praise the Lord" by Kristene Mueller.
There is a part that says "Nothings gonna take Your praise out of my mouth as long as I shall live."
Think about that. Nothing will take it out. No pain, no hurt, no devestation, no break ups, no death. NOTHING.

I was thinking about that the other night.

On Tuesdays I go to Revival Town at the World Prayer Center. It's a giant night of prayer and worship. As I was sitting there I was having the hardest time praising God.
I was thinking "I am too broken. I don't feel it. I don't feel whole enough. I am not in the place cause all I need right now is answers. I need to be fixed before I can praise God."
Then the words of that song came back. And I heard "Can you praise me Hannah even though life sucks? Can nothing take that from you????"
Then I heard the thing I always here ever since DTS...."Are you willing Hannah?"

I don't have to be fixed and whole to praise Him. I don't have to be ok. I should always praise Him even in the crap. Even when I don't feel like it. It's not about me getting something from God, it's about how can I be used for Him. How can He use me for His glory. It's about doing what I was created to do which is praise Him!
I can be used even in the crap. That's encouraging!
I don't have to be perfect little miss christian!

Am I willing?
Can I praise Him even when life sucks?

NOTHING will take His praise from my mouth. Even in the storm I will praise Him

~H~

Posted by Hannah at 1:07 AM | 0 comments  

Do you ever feel like everyone is asking question after question and you have no idea how to answer them?
Or maybe you have questions for yourself and YOU don't know how to answer them.


That's how I feel right now. I have no idea how to answer all the questions that are coming at me. I have no clue what to do. Even the littlest questions and decisions. I have NO idea.

I can't even make decisions about when to come home for Christmas. I don't know what flight to take.

I feel like there are so many questions that I am leaving unanswered.

People keep asking asking me what is next. I wish I knew.

Right now I know that God is calling me back to YWAM. I am trying to get back to Holmsted to staff in September. That's all I know right now.

I don't know what second job to get, where I am going to live starting in January, what plane ticket to get to come home, how I am going to get back to YWAM, if all of this is going to work out.

I have no clue

I have no answers

I am so overwhelmed by all the decisions

Just some thoughts from my confused brain

~H~

Posted by Hannah at 11:55 AM | 1 comments  

So I cant sleep hence the post before. I really should be sleeping since I have to wake up in about 5 hours to work.

There are so many thoughts in my head right now.

I know the next step for me. Back to YWAM.

I am still praying through it, but I have been feeling the tug to go back to YWAM since the beginning of the year. God has called me to missions and I have such a love for that organization.

So I am not too sure what that looks like right now cause I am still in the healing process, but I would like to go back to the base I did my YWAM at which is Holmsted Manor. I would like to go back in September of 2010.
I also have a friend who is going then too.

We will see what God does. Those are just a few thoughts about it, but I am still praying.

I am excited

~H~

Posted by Hannah at 12:09 AM | 0 comments